Rumi, for You
16 Nov 2011 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized
Dearest Amber,
The spirit of the words therein, claim I cannot, authorship, for they were passed through the Divine grace of Love, through One named ‘Rumi’.
However, just as Love inspired his heart from the presence of an angel in his eyes, I respectfully borrow his words, inspired by the Lovely Presence in Thee.
Love,
Leo
Amber
16 Jun 2011 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized
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Sincerely wishing you love, peace, and joy,
Carl Atteniese
http://carlatteniese.com
Amber
16 Jun 2011 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized
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Sincerely wishing you love, peace, and joy,
Carl Atteniese
http://carlatteniese.com
Amber
16 Jun 2011 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized
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Sincerely wishing you love, peace, and joy,
Carl Atteniese
http://carlatteniese.com
Amber
16 Jun 2011 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized
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Sincerely wishing you love, peace, and joy,
Carl Atteniese
http://carlatteniese.com
Amber
16 Jun 2011 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized
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Sincerely wishing you love, peace, and joy,
Carl Atteniese
http://carlatteniese.com
Amber
16 Jun 2011 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized
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Sincerely wishing you love, peace, and joy,
Carl Atteniese
http://carlatteniese.com
Amber
16 Jun 2011 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized
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Sincerely wishing you love, peace, and joy,
Carl Atteniese
http://carlatteniese.com
Amber
16 Jun 2011 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized
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Sincerely wishing you love, peace, and joy,
Carl Atteniese
http://carlatteniese.com
Amber
16 Jun 2011 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized
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Sincerely wishing you love, peace, and joy,
Carl Atteniese
http://carlatteniese.com
What Thou Does; What Thou Art
19 May 2011 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized
Dearest Amber,
Do you know what looking at you does to me?
Do you know I am afraid of telling you?
Do you know that’s because I feel we often want more what’s hard to have?
Do you know that all the times you say that I don’t have to tell you that you are beautiful, you don’t realize how little I tell you-compared, and insufficiently-contrasted ‘gainst how often I feel?
Do you know that as an artist, I could write a book about how you don’t know the very many ways you are beautiful to me, and how it’s all about personal perception, and how everything that makes me, and everything that’s happened to me and everything I feel and have felt; have won and lost, have celabrated and ‘died’ over-is part of that incredible conlfuence of myriad experiences and feelings (not just how heavenly you appear in and of yourself)-making you beautiful to me? I could write that book, if I were God.
Do you know that though I like telling you that you are beautiful-especially if you can understand and appreciate, like and feel-just a little of what I mean-that I am infinitely frustrated because the words, ‘lovely’, ‘beautiful’, ‘gorgeous’, ‘sublime’, ‘bella’, ‘belle’, ‘예뻐요’, ’아름다워’, and ‘きれい’, do not do anything to describe what happens in my heart, my mind, my body-when I look at you or at pictures of you?
Do you know it hurts, like centuries have passed and I’ve died a fiery death with a quivor of arrows in me-like St. Sebastian, when you express to me that I don’t mean you are beautiful?
Do you know I feel as bad as if we were to learn that God had erased the stars-in punishment for the evil deed of man saying divine beauty is ugliness?
My body’s quivered when we’ve kissed. My eyes are want to stare for eons at thee. My life is shaken when we touch. My heart and other muscle; my skin and soul-they are goose-bumps themselves, and they dance; they roll-like waves on the sea, when you smile at me….
For thou art not merely beautiful. Thou art beauty and loveliness themselves…
To me…
A Song for You; Time in A Bottle
27 Nov 2010 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized
Amber
I have wanted to send this song to you for the longest time…but like time, the idea got lost, ’til I heard it tonight, and since I feel you are so close, as when I was at the studio this evening, drawing, and you were having dinner in another part of the city…and we exchanged messages…but mostly, since I have come to see with new eyes…now, you are closer than ever, and yet, so far way, but always in my heart….
I love you,
Carlo
For You
03 Nov 2010 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized
Dear Amber,
I heard this and had to send to you
Share with Me
19 Oct 2010 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized
You tried to share
To teach me
To love me
To make me understand
I thought I knew what was right
I talked into the night
Even yesterday a bit
I never had a more wonderful love
I never had a sweeter woman
I never had a chance to be a man as good as you could make me
It’s all about courage, this act of love
Courage not just to love
But to listen
I’m listening, now
Amberlia, my Dear Angel
Please keep talking to me
I am finally learning
Still, due to your caring patience
I am listening
I will listen more
Nothing is more wonderful than being there for you
Nothing is more painful
Than missing you
Sunday was a dream anew
Yesterday we listened, too
I held your hand
We ate and talked
We heard my sister’s song
And yay, I even kissed you
I ready to listen
To listen is to love
To love you is to live
It’s Easy (a poem in progress)
28 Jun 2010 Leave a Comment
in Carls Poetry
It’s a matter of blind habit
This reacting from what’s inside
This hacknyed use of “programming’s” right
And it’s habit we’re astride
For humans, though flesh and blood
Mind and heart so learned
We refuse to live more consciously
So we’re only along for the ride
This Love
11 Jun 2010 Leave a Comment
in Carls Poetry
It stole the moon and discarded the sun,
It fed me oceans, and made us one
It made me move mountains
With each arm for you
And set apace by it
We move planets, too
We blewway clouds ‘n fought off storms
Beat armies n’ philosophy
Healing loves of all forms
We forsook home
And left the earth,
Defying death’s reapers
With each rebirth
For God was he
And all we see;
The universe as is,
As is, is she
That did this thing
This love decreed
This love from you
This love in me
And so it is
So let it be
This love, this love
So let it be
Carl Atteniese
Gluten-free
27 May 2010 Leave a Comment
Just found this, Am, but will do more research:
http://www.food4celiacs.com/ShopOnline/AF/140.html
Love,
♥ Leo
Bright*
16 May 2010 Leave a Comment
in Carls Poetry
When she wears white,
It’s never been as pure
Nor has it been as bright,
Of these things I am sure
And when her white’s are pleated,
I see rays of sun,
That shining good-defining light
In the woman I adore
~Carlo Atteniese
*This is a variation on the poem, Amber on Nami Island, featuring photos of Amber by Chloe Lee
De Javu
07 May 2010 Leave a Comment
in Carls Poetry
He’s pressed to go wherever here
Not thinking of someplace else
Near impossible to be anywhere here
Not missing a place where else
Wherever he goes
When he is here
He sees encyclopedias
Different on the inside
Yet sitting on the shelf
Carlo Atteniese
Uncle Charlie
29 Apr 2010 Leave a Comment
in Carls Poetry
Kind Uncle Charlie
I met him as a boy
On trips to grandma’s house
And it gave me so much joy
He had a wife, named Betty
“Chaaahlie”, she would call
From the other side of Grandma’s house
On the hill, it was so small
With the creek in back
And the mountain behind
And the land barren all around
It was lonely, to my mind
“Shuh’up Chaahlie”
Aunty Betty would tease
In smokey Cockney she’d creek it
And he ‘d take it in his ease,
In a crisp white pull over
And shiny ‘Beatles” boots
In sleepy-eyed stature
And his hip, blue jeans
And salt and pepper roots
His voice was deep and strong
But gentle, like a breeze
His warm utterances were musical
Women’s ears, they must have pleased
With his bushy white mustache,
And whitening eyebrows, too
His tousled, white, and moppy hair
Like morning’s fallen snow
so bright, so clean, so true
He looked just like old Einstein
standing, smiling there
“Oh, aaaahll right, Love”, he would gently say
In just the warmest, friendliest way
And though he really did loved her
His voice did clearly betray, that he was really saying
‘I don’t care; no worries’, in those yonder days
They were “a John and Yoko”
Of the Carroll clan
‘Cause he was warm and friendly
And a real man’s man
. . .
He had shot down Zeros
On a big battle ship
And in the war in Korea
Ran from the 40th, down to the tip
I carry round his medal
So people may right know
If they give his name some trouble
How he suffered here that trip
He played a little guitar
‘Painted pictures of small boats
He’d been a sailor and a teacher
His memories in his notes
He loved to pen his poetry
And he liked his nightly nips
Whenever this old boy from Brooklyn
Would dream of his worldly trips
The life in Japan or over the seas
Or the boy he’d not had
To sit on his knees
And he loved to impart wisdom
Quips and little tunes
He could talk to you for hours
And more than many moons
I think that not for long, could Charlie sit real still
He took cruises with new ‘Shirl’
When his love~life gave him nil
Some were really angry
That he left his Betty home
But he told me of his sadness
And this made his heart a’roam
. . .
In a dreamy way,
I remember
He’d stare
Enchanted a boy
This youth in the old
Is sadly called “wild”
And I would call that cold
But we’ve got not a right to judge him
For we’ve each one heart to tend
And we’ll never know another’s
Nor the pains it’s world will rend
So I remember Charlie
My uncle, kind and free
And I accept his choices
As he accepted me
. . .
In the end he knew my girlfriend
She came to love him too
He could easily do that
In her and in me and you
So,
If you have an Uncle
Or like me, a Dear Old Dad
Talk to him quite often
Before he’s all you’ve had
Carlo Atteniese
Let It Go
29 Apr 2010 Leave a Comment
in Carls Poetry
When the rain wets your head
Let
it
go
Each drop
When the smoke from the car chokes your breath
Let
It
go
When the money, the girl, the job is gone
You’re ready for all things new
Of course she wasn’t smoke
but unless you save money it is
and unless you savor her, she is as ethereal
and she was certainly like rain, if you let her cleanse you
Alive or Un-alive
23 Mar 2010 4 Comments
in Uncategorized Tags: Alive or Dead, ART, Carlo Atteniese, Confucianism, Fred Kinnard, Freedom, Jennifer Levine, Love, Nationalism, Should, Tradition
A long time ago…
My friend, Fred Kinnard said to me,
As we were aworking, high atop “The GE”
And pondered ‘the Needle’ of The Empire State
‘What a fitting symbol for a city of the walking dead’
Though Many would disagree (that New Yorkers are dead)
It is true, that in all our cultural paradigms
Tradition keeps us barely alive
And mostly just existing
Requiring drugs, money, empty relationships
And The Great Lie
When all we need
To be alive
Is to “kill the should monster”,
As Jennifer Levine had said to me
Until you do
You are not you
But what everyone wants you to be
And that’s more un-alive
Than anyone dead can be
Carlo Atteniese
Snow for You
26 Feb 2010 2 Comments
in Uncategorized
The Snow for you,
Is big
Like love, which I “dive into”
As you said on the subway
Coming home from Osan
The snow is heavy, and it’s light
“Heavy” ’cause it’s big,
Light ’cause it looks like down feathers
The sky, this next day
As I ride the bus thinking of you
Is not very blue, it’s white; milky-white
White, because it’s bright
Milky, because it’s sweet
That winter is still here for us,
Is cosy
Happy Valentines Day
12 Feb 2010 1 Comment
Happy Vaelentines Day,
Lovely Amber!
Love,
Carlo
PS:
Thank you for your love
Your care, concern, devotion, and charm
Thank you fo your patience, your understanding
And your calm
We have learned a lot together
We have grown and changed forever
Sometimes it’s hard to learn much more
But it’s harder to say the same, I’m sure
So it’s great to love, and grow with you
To laugh and sing and spend day anew,
With a bright and wonderful woman so true
Your every expression; it is so sweet, so innocent and alluring
So beautiiful and so pure
So please Angel, keep loving me
Coz it’s you that I adore
Happy St. Valentine’s Day
“Leo”
Laughter That Changed Me
10 Feb 2010 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized
Last night I watched Amercian sitcoms. It was like going to church, or to the temple to meditate. Read more.
Thank You for The Book
03 Feb 2010 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized
Dear Lovley Amber,
Carlo here. Thank you for the book on hypoglycemia. I am learning a lot. Did you know-well, I guess you did (!)-that the type of hypoglycemia that I probably have, called “reactive” is not recognized by most doctors? It’s really true that I have to take my health into my own hands, but that is something that people in the West have been saying a long time. Even though there are many good doctors, they don’t have all the information, nor do they have the time or inclination to be so fucused on us that we can depend on them entirely, right?
I really love and appreciate what you wrote in the book, too. It’s like a thousand I love yous. I am sorry that I sometimes seem to depend on those words so much. Your love is shown in many things you do and have done. For example, I cannot forget, that you read a book on this disease, so you could help me.
You are wonderful.
Love Always,
Carlo
“Your ‘Leo’”
I Got Sunshine
22 Jan 2010 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized
Dearest Amberlia, read my note, and hear the song here. ~♥ Leo
Carlo’s Love
14 Jan 2010 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized
I love when you talk
I love when you sing
I love when you whisper
Most anything
I love when you speak English
Korean, Japanese
I love when you commune with me
In any degrees
Just your face, without a word
A silent voice
In your eyes I’ve heard
A stillness, excitement
It’s all at once
I rush to feel it
And it’s over
And I lose it like a dunce
I love when you teach me, nutrition, or cats,
Or art, or The Bible
Or how to wear my hats
It really matters not
I love your mind, and I love your dreams
And I love that you’re kind
And that’s the truth
Whatever it means
I love you whatever forever
However long that seems
Love,
Leo
Your Work is Great
05 Jan 2010 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized
Dear Teacher Amber, “The Maestro”,
Your drawing recently, is phenominal; quick, accurate, characterful, and nice to look at. I also love the new header. As Uncle Charlie used to say, “Keep up the good work”, except that I would say it is great. Please, don’t stop.
I cannot wait to draw with you again.
Love,
Your,
Leo
Develop A Relationship First
26 Dec 2009 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized
Dear Carlo,
‘I told this girl I like her. She seemed not to care very much. Should I press the issue, or drop it?’….
Dear Friend, Do neither…(Continue Reading)
Traditional Ways of Finding a Mate Vs. Finding Love
09 Dec 2009 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized
Find a lover and life-partner by allowing yourself to become extremely attracted to someone who is equally, or more attracted to than you are to him or her, and to one who is available and willing to date RIGHT NOW. Any others fit into the same category into which we put passing signs on the highway; slightly interesting. Continue Reading
Finding “Mr. Right in Your Heart”, Instead of “Mr. Right”
08 Dec 2009 2 Comments
in Uncategorized Tags: Finding Mr. Right Right in Your Heart, Love, Relationships
Today I answered a letter from a young woman trying to decide among three men… Continue Reading at My Other Blog
What Are The Signs of Love?
24 Nov 2009 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized
Love is “All or Nothing” Continue Reading at my other blog
Zen Momento
20 Nov 2009 2 Comments
in Carls Poetry
A grey horizon and river
Under a dark bridge
but the light of life sparkles
In two places, like magic
No time for my camera
As the bus pulls away
At the cafe
The words of a monk
The sound of a piano, and a soft, melodious and melancholy voice
Memories of my father, back home
And of my love, of course
A confluence making a mallet
To ring a bell inside me
Sending a tone to my mind, my heart
Accusing and calling to my feet
When to Love
16 Nov 2009 Leave a Comment
We choose a partner when we know what we feel, and what we want and need, and most of all, when we know we want to give “our all” to that person, and no one else…
If we are not sure about tomorrow, or the tomorrows after tomorrow, it is still okay to dedicate ourselves to the one we are attracted to because that is the only way to fully get to know someone, and yourself with that person. You don’t worry about the changes that may come; live now, for now, for now beomes yesterday, really fast, and if you are always living in the future, you lose today, and yesterday along with it!
A woman OR A MAN, should choose a partner that his or her heart has already chosen, and based on a feeling of inner happiness and calm, attraction and interest, compatibility and a sense of completeness, when with that person, physically and emotionally.
The way we treat someone is a reflection of our feelings and intentions. Giving to get is not love. Giving because we want to make someone’s life fuller and more enjoyable, is. You always know one from the other.
It’s that simple.
Wishing you love, peace, and joy.
Carlo Atteniese
Within
24 Oct 2009 2 Comments
in Uncategorized
Look at your reflection
See whom and what you see
Don’t look the surface only
Or surface is all you’ll be
Don’t just see the skin and bone;
The hair upon your head;
The cloth on your back, the shoes on your feet,
Lest you be alone; your spirit dead
Look deep inside, through the breath of time
Look at your life, from far and wide
And in the truth therefrom confide
And health and friends will be at your side
In every body, in every thing
In people, Earth, and water;
In every living thing
From our actions, to the rocks and air
We must be conscious, of what is there
By the hand of nature and what we’ve added
The harmful, and the neutral,
Not just the “good”
For within is all true essence
The surface, but a sign
So if we long for harmony
Within we must reside
Carlo Atteniese
The “Hhhshshsh” And Blue Grey
14 Oct 2009 Leave a Comment
in Carls Poetry
A calming, alluring
Coffee shop day
Whitish-anemic blue
Not “grey”
The “hhhshshsh” of the hundreds
Of racing rubber wheels
Sliding on the slippery sheet of water
On the shining, drop-peckled road
Carlo Atteniese
The Ways We See
05 Oct 2009 Leave a Comment
Dearest Amber,
Yesterday we talked about belief.
I think belief is influenced by what we know, feel, and see. I guess what we feel comes from the truest parts of ourselves, if we are quiet, observe deeply what is inside us, and feel some sense of the answers, or the pictures there. But where does what is inside us come from? Can we separate what we have learned from what is inherent in us?
All of these things are affected by what we are told as we grow up; by who is telling us, and whether it “rings true with us”, I suppose. Of course, if we believe The Bible, or some other doctrinal work, however we interpret it, we have a basis for belief. That is what you have. And you have your relationship with God, as you have told me.
I think what we believe, or how we believe it, is also affected by our experiences in life, which either strengthen or weaken our initial beliefs, supporting it or taking away from it. And what we learn about the universe, history, and human behavior, I think, also has an effect on our beliefs, or it can.
I think the most important element of belief is honesty, and that even though people say ‘people believe what they want to believe’, the real truth-I think-is that people believe what they can believe at a particular time. I also know that belief can change, for better or worse.
To me, questions can only lead to greater truth, but we have to have the courage to face the questions that come into our minds, and to seek out the answers honestly, with the truest parts of our minds first; our hearts. And then, the empirical parts of our minds either honestly pursue the truth-whatever it is-or or they do not.
Great loving moral thinkers, such as Krishnamurti, would say that we have to experience reality to find truth, not set up images for it that satisfy our own egos, which presuppose expected outcomes, therefore masking the truth. That doesn’t leave too much faith in science, does it? But I think science keeps trying, again and again, to find the truth, until the theories that came form unexplained observation become ‘laws’ of nature after many tests and more observations. We do this to the best of our ability to observe and think. Without science and the scientific method, we wouldn’t know what is possible or impossible and we therefore would have no way of saying this or that is a “miracle” either.
Please know this, My Love; whenever I say that I am not sure about something, that is the most honest I can be. I am not trying to refute anything. I am saying that I see what I am capable of seeing. In the case of Heaven and Hell, we talked about where those places ’are’ today, because you asked if I believed in Hell, and so I was forced to say that Hell may be a ‘location’ in our lives, more than a location in some physical realm, meaning, what we believe depends on what we mean, and what we are capable of understanding.
To me, Sweetheart, saying ‘do you believe in Hell?’ is like saying ‘do you believe in purple?’ If you ask an optical scientist what purple is, he will give you a very different answer from an artist, a four year old, a color-blind man. Imagine asking a blind person if he believes in purple. Purple ‘exists’ for sure, but as a matter of point of view, and it is different things to different people, and different creatures.
What I do know is, love is the greatest power there is, and if you believe in God, God has to be responsible for it.
I do not go against love, and have decided to believe it is the saving grace of humanity and the closest thing we can experience to the divine.
They say God is Love. I hope it is true. After all, we are the creatures most capable of compassionate, sacrificing, forgiving love, it would seem, and if we are made in God’s image, God must have made us capable of love, and must want us to exercise it. Love, I mean.
That is why when I was growing up, from boy to man, I decided-or felt in my heart-that if it was loving, it was the truth of God, and if it was not, it was likely a mistake of man misinterpreting God. After all, I was told God is all-powerful and loves me and all his creatures. Therefore, should I not be like God as much as possible, to the best of my power, and simply love?
I love you,
Carlo
Images and Disappointment
28 Aug 2009 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized
Krishnamurti said that we make images, of ourselves, of others, of everything, and that these images replace the reality of the moment, which is always changing. It’s completely true. The proof is in our dissatisfaction. Think about it; we have expectations, of ourselves, of others, of everything, and when those expectations are not met, our disatisfaction shows. Think of any time you were disappointed. It was precisely because you expected an outcome that did not materialize, and that expected-outcome was based on your internal image of the way you had wanted things to be. Try testing this yourself, but instead of setting some example up (which represents an experiment, with an expected range of outcomes; thus illustrating our expectations and the images they are based on), simply wait until the next time you are disappointed. Thereafter, or during the state of disappointment, ask yourself, ‘what image is my disappointment based on?’ The reason this is better–besides avoiding using images and expecations to test it–is that it will come as a complete surprise to you, further suggesting the natural reality of it as a process in our consciousness, and thus the self-evidence of it.
Carlo Atteniese
Music
28 Aug 2009 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized
If you’re listening, you can see her
But if you look too long
You might not hear her
And listening is knowing her
And to know her is to walk the path of love to her
I’ll be whispering, or singing, or silent now
Just to find her
‘Cause I’ve been looking
For long, so long, though I didn’t realize her
Until I heard her, heard her song, though
She’d been playing for me all along
Pure, and art defined, a melody
A gentle tune, to remind
The sound of love
The passing of time 
Don’t just look at her…
Carlo Atteniese
Words Like Water Between Us
25 Aug 2009 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized
If only all words were as fluid
If only all utterance were pure
If only all the meeting of minds were as soft
And the clarity of our intentions so sure
If only the beauty in you and me
Could always, and at all times of expression be
As smooth and as soft,
As accommodating,
As riverwaters,
And the clouds they reflect,
Carressing, sliding, dancing,
And awashing quickly, over
Under, around, and straight on through
The fluid substance, unlike words
Undermines the Earth and rock
With the simplness of its blue
My consolation is
That you love me,
And yours is that I love you,
And that slowly
Like the river,
The currents move
More gently,
Over time,
Until all is balanced
And all is true
As the water learns the Earth,
And the Earth learns the water
And you learn me
And I learn you
*
For My Amber, and All The People
Who Love One Another,
but Who are from Time to Time
Frustrated by Words and
Their Inability to Convey
The Meaning of the Heart, Readily
by Carlo Atteniese
The Path of Love
23 Aug 2009 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized
Today, counseling a woman from “who knows where”, I discovered in her letter more of the ‘the relationship should be this way’ kind of thing. I don’t mean the girl was all wrong. I have been guilty of this kind of thinking so many times that I couldn’t count. We all have certain expectations, some bound up in our dreams of what love should be, some a part of our self-respect-oriented needs, and some from what we see in other relationships.
Apart from telling the girl that some of her concerns were well-founded, and that she could ask her boyfriend to be more gentle, I told her that a relationship is a conversation between two bodies, hearts, minds, and souls, along a path that only materializes when the two members of a couple take stpes forward togehter. I said that the path doesn’t exist anywhere else, and that it is not waiting for them, but that they have to make it themselves as they move along. It cannot be fashioned after another couple’s path either. Each path of love is unique.
I also feel that the path of love disappears when we stop walking together. It disappears-as a path of a relationship between two sharing, loving souls-when one of us start leading, or controling, and we stop looking in the same direction together, which eventually just results in resentment.
If you want to take a path of love, and have it lead to happiness, you can neither lie, cheat, or stop helping one another along that path either.
In mutual cooperation, original, and artistic loving; that is, making it someintg new and unborn before–in creating, while loving, the path becomes a path of flight, of light, and of possibility.
Carlo Atteniese
The Stomach, And Gastroparesis
20 Aug 2009 2 Comments
in Uncategorized Tags: Gastroparesis, The Stomach, Weak Stomach
The famous Mayo Clinic has good pages on this subject at http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/gastroparesis/DS00612
I looked up ‘weak stomach’ at Google, and found the word ‘Gastroparesis’, and a very informative site on gasterointenstinal physiology. This article is a result of my reading there.
How It Functions:
Like The Heart
According to Jackson Siegelbaum Gastroenterology, the stomach is like the heart. Why? Well, each has a pacemaker. From the pacemaker, electric pulses fan out across both the heart, and the stomach. This makes muscles contract (close in on themselves, or squeeze). The regulator of this impulse in the stomach is the vagus nerve.
Two Parts
The stomach’s two parts are the upper part, or the fundus, where swallowed food and liquid are stored, and the lower part, or the antrum, where food is ground up and turned into chyme, a milky, thick, amalgum of what you have eaten, which is then “squirted” into the duodenum (/doo-AH-din-um/), the beginning of the small intestine, or the small bowel.
As we just mentioned, the antrum, where food is ground up, contracts to do this, and the normal rate for these contractions is roughly three times in a minute; much slower than the heart, but frequent enough for the task of making food into a chyme.
Gastroparesis
Also called ‘delayed gastric emptying’, this condition describes a stomach that contracts at a lower than normal rate, or too infrequently to empty the stomach properly. This slowing down, or stoppage is also caled paralysis, thus the ‘paresis’ in the name of the disorder.’ This retarded or stopped stomach contraction problem is due to a less frequent, or stppped electric pulse from the stomach’s pace maker, the vagus nerve. When gastroparesis is present, the stomach will have to depend more on its digestive acids and enzymes to break down food inside, and less on the physical action of grinding it up with normal contractions. In essence, as the doctors in my source material say, your food ‘just lies there’, waiting for ‘gravity’ to bring it to the bowels. Gastroparesis may occur when the vagus nerve is damaged and the muscles of the stomach and intestines do not work normally. Food then moves slowly or stops moving through the digestive tract.
Gastroparesis can be caused by damage to the vagus nerve . This causes the muscles of the stomach and intestines to not work normally. Food then moves slowly or stops moving through the digestive tract. (paraphrased from Wikipedia). Damage to the vagus nerve may be caused by high levels of blood glucose over many years.
Symptoms
(This portion of my article is copied directly from the site mentioned above, with thanks and apologies to the authors:)
The usual symptoms of gastroparesis are:
- a feeling of fullness after only a few bites of food,
- bloating,
- excessive belching, and,
- nausea.
- At times there will be a vague, nagging ache in the upper abdomen, but usually the pain is not sharp or crampy as might occur with ulcers or a gallbladder attack.
- There may be vomiting,
- heartburn, or
- regurgitation of stomach fluid into the mouth.
Medications that reduce or eliminate stomach acid usually don’t help much. (emphasis, mine)
Causes
(This portion of my article is copied directly from the site mentioned above, with thanks and apologies to the authors:)
- Diabetes is the most common known cause. Adrenal and thyroid gland problems can also be a cause although these are infrequent
- Scars and fibrous tissue from ulcers and tumors can block the outlet of the stomach and mimic gastroparesis
- Certain drugs weaken the stomach (tricyclic antidepressants such as Elavil, calcium blockers such as Cardizem and Procardia, L-dopa, hyoscyamine, Bentyl, Levsin, narcotics)
- Previous stomach surgery
- Anorexia and bulimia
- Neurologic or brain disorders such as Parkinson’s disease, strokes and brain injury
- Certain diseases such as lupus erythematosus and scleroderma
- In up to 40% of cases the cause of gastroparesis is not known
It should be noted that not all of these disorders affect the pacemaker of the stomach. Some disorders weaken the stomach muscle itself so it can’t respond to the pacemaker. In either case, the result is the same, gastroparesis.
Diagnosis(Portions of this part of my article are copied directly from the site mentioned above, with thanks and apologies to the authors:)
|
| The diagnosis of gastroparesis starts with taking the information about the patient’s medical history when he suspects symptoms. In severe cases, the physical exam and blood tests may show evidence of malnutrition, but usually the exam is normal.An upper GI (gastro-intentestinal) barium x-ray measures how liquid barium leaves the stomach. This exam is to show how quickly or slowly material leaves the stomach. Often this exam is normal.Upper endoscopy is a visual exam of the stomach using a lighted flexible tube. Mild sedation is usually given for this procedure. This exam should always be done to be certain there is not a blockage in the stomach.A gastric or stomach emptying test is presently the best method of making the diagnosis. In this test, a food, such as scrambled eggs, is labeled with a marker (radioactive? [question; mine]) which can be seen by a scanner. Following ingestion, the scanner tracks the time it takes for the food to leave the stomach. In general, half the stomach contents should leave within about 90 minutes. A final test, which is not available everywhere, is the electrogastrogram (EGG). This test, like the EKG on the heart, measures the electrical waves that normally sweep over the stomach and precede each contraction. |
Treatment(This portion of my article, including ‘Medication’, is copied directly from the site mentioned above. I manipulated and changed it for clarity. With thanks and apologies to the authors:)
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|||||||||||
First, if there is an underlying disorder, it needs to be treated effectively. Examples are good blood sugar control in the diabetic patient or thyroid medicine for someone with an underactive thyroid.Second, there may be a need to address diet and nutrition. When gastroparesis is mild, there are usually few food problems. However, if there is marked delay in stomach emptying, then attention to the diet is necessary.
|
More about the disease, from Wikepedia:
Causes
Gastroparesis may be chronic or transient; transient gastroparesis may arise in acute illness of any kind, with the use of certain cancer treatments or other drugs which affect digestive action, or due to anorexia nervosa, bulimia and other abnormal eating patterns.
Chronic gastroparesis is frequently due to autonomic neuropathy. This may occur in people with type 1 diabetes or type 2 diabetes. The vagus nerve becomes damaged by years of high blood glucose, resulting in gastroparesis. Gastroparesis has also been associated with various autoimmune diseases and syndromes, such as fibromyalgia and Parkinson’s disease, and may occur as part of a mitochondrial disorder.
Chronic gastroparesis can also be caused by other types of damage to the vagus nerve, such as abdominal surgery.[1]
Idiopathic gastroparesis (gastroparesis with no known cause) accounts for a third of all chronic cases; it is thought that many of these cases are due to an autoimmune response triggered by an acute viral infection. “Stomach flu”, mononucleosis, and others have been anecdotally linked to the onset of the condition, but no systematic study has proven a link.
Signs and Symptoms
The most common symptoms of gastroparesis are[2]
- Chronic nausea
- Vomiting (especially of undigested food)
- Early satiety
Other symptoms include
- Heartburn
- Weight loss
- Abdominal bloating
- Erratic blood glucose levels
- Lack of appetite
- Gastroesophageal reflux
- Spasms of the stomach wall
Morning nausea may also indicate gastroparesis. It is important to note that vomiting may not occur in all cases, as sufferers may learn to adjust their diets to include only small amounts of food.[3]
Diagnosis and Treatment
Gastroparesis can be diagnosed with tests such as x rays, manometry, and gastric emptying scans. The clinical definition for gastroparesis is based solely on the emptying time of the stomach and not on other symptoms, and severity of symptoms does not necessarily correlate with the severity of gastroparesis. Therefore, some patients may have marked gastroparesis with few, if any, serious complications.
Treatment includes dietary changes (low-fiber and low-residue diets, and in some cases, restrictions on fat and/or solids), oral medications such as Metoclopramide (Reglan, Maxolon, Clopra), Cisapride (Propulsid), Erythromycin (E-Mycin, Erythrocin, Ery-Tab, EES) and Domperidone (Motilium); adjustments in insulin dosage for those with diabetes, a jejunostomy tube, parenteral nutrition, implanted gastric neurostimulators (“stomach pacemakers“), or botulinum toxin.
Viagra, which increases blood flow to the genital area, is also being used by some practitioners to stimulate the GI tract in diabetic gastroparesis.
The antidepressant Mirtazapine has also proven effective in the treatment of gastroparesis unresponsive to conventional treatment. This is due to its anti-emetic and appetite stimulant properties. Mirtazapine acts on the same serotonin receptor (5-HT3) as the popular anti-emetic Ondansetron[4].
Complications
Primary complications of gastroparesis include:
- Fluctuations in blood glucose due to unpredictable digestion times (in diabetic patients)
- General malnutrition due to the symptoms of the disease (which frequently include vomiting and reduced appetite) as well as the dietary changes necessary to manage it
- Severe fatigue and weight loss due to calorie deficit
- Intestinal obstruction due to the formation of bezoars (solid masses of undigested food)
- Bacterial infection due to overgrowth in undigested food
Carlo Atteniese
Meeting Eunmi And Yura
19 Aug 2009 1 Comment
in Uncategorized
This was a really nice day. I met Amber’s closest high-school frends in the part of town she was born and grew up in. We went to a ”Fish and Grill”, which is the Korean answer to a restaurant and drinking house styled after a Japanese’ fashion of sorts. You can get a nice piece of grilled fish on a skillet there, as well as beer on tap (sometimes only Korean beer), and “oh-dang”, which is fish-sticks in various shapes, sizes, and dishes. You can also enjoy ”ooh-done’, thick, slippery white noodles in a very light broth containing scalions and other light vegies of the leafy variety.
‘The jokes about the shaving ‘event’ are relavent because Amber gave me this electric razor for my birthday, the day before, and though I love it, she gets a bigger kick out of using it than I do (on me, that is).
Amber’s friends were nice. Yura gave Amber and I little cloth fish pins, which she had made, wrapped in miniature bags that she also had made. They had her logo on them. She likes Japan, as do I , for its arts, crafts, and aesthetics, and she makes bags and other things of a sort of Japanese style, one might say. She is also studying Japanese. Yura is on the left and Eunmi, on the right, in the last photo.
Eunmi was very clever (she suggested this meting). She had big, stylish glasses that I donned for a funny picture. Maybe I will post it later. Amber, thanks for introducing me to your friends. You are so sweet, and so are your friends. I had a great time.
Water
18 Aug 2009 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: New American Picture-Haiku, Photography, Suwon
Copyright © 2009, by Carlo Atteniese, All Rights Reserved.
Special Thanks to Motorola, and to My Beloved Bitnah, “Amber” Park
New Photos, A Testimonial, My Birthday with Amber
10 Aug 2009 2 Comments
in Uncategorized Tags: Amber Park, Carl, Carlo Atteniese, My Birthday
See my newly posted self-portraits and new photographs of Amber, by Carlo.
Today I received a nice e-mail from a client that I would like to share to encourage others to seek my advice about love:
Carlo,
Thank you SO MUCH for writing to me. I really appreciate the style you use to express your thoughts. It’s both clear and sensitive ~ not an easy task, to be able to do both.
I checked out your other website and foundI like both, for different reasons. I read about some of your interests, so I’d like to recommendthat if you ever come to the Pacific Northwest, you might like to spend some time at Breitenbush. (You can google that). I’m going there for a workshop next week, about transforming my life. In the past, I participated in a workshop on meditation. And the natural hot springs there are phenomenal. It’s a very comfortable environment; I love it.
Thanks, again! 
m.
About Amber, Her Students, And My Birthday
Last night I met Amber at her school in Suwon, where she is Head Teacher. She welcomed me to enter a class with her and talk to her students. I spoke to Terry, a smart looking young man with cool glasses, who aspires to be a novelist, and Matt, who is diligent and seemed reserved yesterday, as well as their classmate, Kelly, who seemed confident and quiet at the time. I liked them all. They were nice. I had a chance to encourage them, and teach a little grammar, or sentence syntax actually. I really enjoyed it. Amber was so gracious, as usual, with her praise and thanks. She has such confidence, poise, and calm in the class.
Afterward, we went to a restaurant in the busy little Osan district nearby, and we had a delicious marinated fish fillet and side dishes, which Amber treated me to. While we waited for that meal to come, she gave me gifts. First there was a wonderful little card, in which she inscribed such beautiful sentiments such that–as far as I can remember–a woman never took the time to express on paper to me. It is very special. Then she gave me the gifts! Weee!
The first gift–I recognized it right away, from the large, tube-shape it took in its paper covering– was a refill of an ‘old’ favorite; skin lotion from The Body Shop. It was wrapped so handsomely, in gold, with a wide, warm, forest~green ribbon, that has a manly and a “Christamasy” feel to it. I didn’t open it (her suggestion), since I knew what it was.
Then she gave me a really sweet, silver metal book mark, which consisted of a strong clip, for the binding of whatever I am to read, affixed to a chain, at the end of which is a treble clef. I really like it very much. It will serve to remind me of her musical skills and love of music, and of my dream to play an instrument again, perhaps the saxaphone (like when I was a young man), or a guitar. I told Amber I would keep it home, perhaps in my bible, or some other book on Zen; maybe in a writing book? But she interjected warmly and sweetly, saying that she much preferred that I get more use out of it. It was charming to see and hear her express her hope that it would become a special keep-sake, from her to me. This really made me feel special. Amber keeps the loving sentiments coming; being fully aware of the opportunities and significance of the moment. It is wonderful dating a creative person for the fist time in my life.
Finally, the last gift from Amber came in a small, slightly heavy box. I felt a little excited, realizing it was something electronic, and at the same time, I felt a bit worried that it might have been quite expensive, like say an MP3 player might be. …Well, it was not such a thing, but it does require batteries! Amber bought me a great little travel~razor, made in Germany, by the Braun company! I marveled over it a long time.
As it was getting late and she had to get home, and I had to get to a sauna to get some sleep myself (we both had to wake up early), we made our way huddled under my big umbrella through the driving rain to teh bus stop, to simply enjoy a nice ride home together on the bus. The truth is, the ride from Osan to Suwon is always a bit of an adventure; chilly this season because of the high air-conditioning on board, and bumpy, because the local buses tend to be rickety, the roads, bumpy, and the drivers, a bit ‘out of their minds’ (Ha, ha).
Tonight I will meet her again, and I will also meet a couple of her closest girlfriends. And Saturday, we will go to a special shop where we will bake my birthday cake. Amber had wanted to make it the other night, before my birthday, but she was so busy with work.
Amber, thank you, for the best birthdays, ever!
Love,
Carlo
In London
08 Aug 2009 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized
‘Ello Ambah!
How do people feel in a different city?
I especially like to ask people from Korea how they feel after having gone to the West for a while.
I learned the most about myself, by coming to Korea…
Meditation
07 Aug 2009 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized
Hello! Love, Peace, and Joy to You. Let’s talk about meditation. 
Traditionally, to meditate is to do this: focus your thoughts on ideas, images, memories, or other things that can be held by the mind.
Today, generally speaking, the meaning of meditation is different: Meditation means to clear your mind, generally, while sitting, standing, walking, or lying down, in a controled fashion.
There are different forms of meditation, and my friends Chong Go Sunim, Gyatso Sunim, Joe, Joseph, and Marcus, could list and describe the different types better than I can, but I can say this about what I think meditation is, and what its benefits are; It allows for a slowing down of things, so you can see yourself, your behavior, and those around you much more clearly. It can also help you to relax, which improves everything, for you, and for others, ideally-speaking.
There are reasons people don’t meditate, despite the health and welfare benefits of the practice; reasons beyond general ignorance. The reasons, in my opinion, lie for some, in religion. Some religious people, probably mostly Christians, have a concern that meditation is something anti-Christian. This is perhaps because it isn’t prescribed in the bible as a means of achieving anything, specifically in the name of God. And perhaps meditation is a ”no-no” to some Christians because they might think it falls under the banner of things coming from other religions, and thus other gods, and the Christain faith prohibits the worship of other gods, and by extension perhaps, practices stemming from such ‘worship’.
Carlo Atteniese
To Be Continued…
Comedy for You Amber
05 Aug 2009 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized
Dear Amberlia: In the spirit of the fun time we had, laughing on the train from Chonggak to Suwon, I added Monty Python videos, and some Steve Martin on the comedy page. (^.^) Enjoy! ~Love, “Leo”
Amber in Pink, Orange, & Tan
03 Aug 2009 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized
Sometimes…
You are so all-American,
Or is it your casual looks
Reminding me of pretty ones I saw
Ago in books,
It doesn’t ever matter
For you’re often soothing to me
As with each day we have
I’m gladder, and more free
You keep me from the stresses
Of living far from home
You are so good
And you’re often right
You make the best of bad things
And it’s ‘Christmas’, every night
You don’t anger easily
You don’t stay vexed too long
When misunderstanding comes to us
You’re quiet as a song…
Carlo Atteniese
Carpe Diem
30 Jul 2009 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: Counseling, Love
A young woman in India wrote me telling me she turns away when a young man that she fancies looks at her. She revealed that she is ”carried away” whenever she sees him. She asked for advice about what to do. This is what I wrote her. I confess it is a bit abstract. I am human too, and I think this may actually give her more help than necessary, but that is not necessarily a bad thing, is it?
Dear Friend,
Hi! Thanks for writing me! It is wonderful to hear from you. I hope you are peaceful, or excited to some extent about being in love. Yes, I think you are feeling a growth in love, for this young man. Wonderful!
Consider this: If you are feeling a romantic attraction to someone, why not indulge in it. This is your life, right now. It is not a rehearsal. What are you waiting for? Are you going to live forever? In fact, do you have a guarantee you will be alive tomorrow? Why are you ignoring him? (^.^)
Human beings are full of this arrogant notion that tomorrow will always be there. Then they teach arrogance, as a result, perhaps accidentally, and in the form of “caution” and “prudence”, to their children.
I don’t mean to scare you, but consider this….Tomorrow may not be there! However unlikely it may seem, nature, not man, is in control. Furthermore, the more man IS in control, the more nature becomes less balanced. Disasters may appear in our present state of mind and awareness, to be unlikely, but things can happen; unforeseen things. Let me exaggerate, for a moment (but this is true): The sun-or another ‘nearby’ star-could send out a sudden and powerful radioactive pulse and fry the atmosphere killing all life on this planet. Then almost literally, there would be no tomorrow, not for you and me, anyway. Or there could be a sudden war, or you–Heaven forbid–could be stricken by a vehicle, or a disease. Or your friend could. Cherish the fortune of your health and the present moment and seize the day, My Dear.
Or I could understand that perhaps you do not want to appear “easy”, or perhaps you are from a Restrictive Family that doesn’t permit you to date? (most people say ‘conservative’. But I think “conservative” is not a good word or position, or attitude. To me that word refers to an attitude that is poisonous to the human spirit, and restrictive of the growth of the individual and society; against progress, against freedom).
Whatever the reason, if you like someone, let it show. The world is far too calculating, clever, and dishonest. What good is it doing us?
What do you think of that, My Friend? Understand, I am not blaming you.
Perhaps you are just shy? Be free, and have fun. Time waits for no one.
Sincerely wishing you love, peace, and joy,
Carlo Atteniese
Read These Books and Change Your Life:
*The Prophet, also by Kahlil Gibran
*The Art of Love, by Erich Fromm
*Anger, also by Thich Nhat Hanh
*The Beloved, by Kahlil Gibran
*True Love, by Thich Nhat Hanh
*Love, by Leo Buscaglia
Buses and Trains, in Fighting Korea
24 Jul 2009 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized
Funny things happen in Korea (betwixt wonderful, annoying, aggravating, dangerous, and hilarious things).
A few weeks ago I was reading while standing on the subway, and I heard the steady murmur growing(wait, what is a steady murmur; as if we would know an unsteady murmur if we heard it?). The murmur grew to an annoying buzz (aren’t all non-alcoholic buzzes annoying?). Then it increased in understandability (is that a word, outside the US?). It became a recognizable squelching and hyping din of an argument. Yes, another one of those,in public, in “The Land of The Morning Calm(and evening ruckus)” between perfect strangers (what’s a perfect stranger? I don’t even have perfect friends.But then, maybe it means something else, like a person whose existence you could deny, after you are done with her? Hee, hee! I can imagine that, but that’s something quite naughty ['just kidding Amber!]. )
Anyway, There on the train were this middle aged woman and an older, sort of a wise-guy businessman who was stout and stern (do older Korean businessmen look anything other than that [perhaps not stout]?). They were in a tiff about whether the woman should be able to sit in the small section of seating reserved for the infirm, pregnant, and otherwise disadvantaged. She didn’t look like she needed anything except maybe a tranquilizer or anger management courses–or a long vacation somewhere; maybe a chair?
So the man is sitting there beside her son, who did manage to get a seat–sandwiched between the man, and another man, who was ignoring the whole incident and minding his business (isn’t that the only business one can mind; I mean, even if you are a but-in-skee, and you are minding someone else’s business, isn’t that now your business; right or wrong?) .
The funny thing was, no matter how loud they got (and I remember saying to myself, ‘self, this is gonna get loud, in 5.5 seconds’, like the girls who had the cat-fight in the Suwon Angels in Us Coffee shop last Satrday-complete with scratching and hair-pulling–and it did get louder, but in about 2 seconds), the flip old man and the irate mother kept calling one another (in Korean, of course), ‘Sir’ and ’Madem’. They were nearly screamingat one another, but they remained ‘polite’.
It this happened in New York City, it might be something like this:
‘Oh yeah? you no good bast*%rd….ah…Sir!’
‘You talkin’ ta me,shi@ – for – brains…sssah, Miss?’
Despite the protocol, and the fact that the child of the pissed-off woman was witnessing a very damaging exchange, eventually they were emitting those short, blood-curdling, throaty, staccato and shrill, ‘murderous’, bellowing howls–the kind you can only hear in Korea, and which pack so much power, they could knock you down. They last only a few seconds; like a door slamming, or a single dog bark, yet a whole, ten-word sentence is jammed into them! You know the ones I mean; they could also be compared to a semi slow-motion gunshot from the throat.
So the lady wanted the man to yield his seat. After all, he was stern and stout, healthy looking; the kind of guy who is about sixty, but who looks like he could take down a linebacker from the Giants football team with one forearm.
I got off before the twenty-minute fiasco ended, probably. I mean, as I departed the train at Jamshil, I saw the man who had been minding his business (the only one on the train, as everyone else was craning his or her neck to see what was damaging our hearing) get up, and so the angry lady, her amazingly oblivious son, and the stern old, smug, wise-guy businessman, were all sitting ‘happily’ on the same bench. But I bet they kept arguing. Pride is so thick in Korea, you can see it. It’s like a layer of clear lello enveloping people.
A hush fell over the car as I left (Did it get hurt?). I half expected (was it really half; why do we say that, when we mean we ‘almost fully expected’; ya know, to like 78%, or something?) an applause.
Then I boarded a bus to Osan, and guess what happened? Another argument broke out (can’t we say ‘started’; it didn’t come out of anything, and nothing ‘broke’.) on my behalf (I hadn’t asked for it) after two old women who had taken up four seats, had refused to give me one of them! Apparently the other passengers wanted to mind my and the old ladies’ business! They were obviously proud (and perhaps embarrassed by how I–the foreigner–was being treated)!
So on the bus to Osan I find four seats in the front, just behind the pilot. Why do I call a bus-driver a pilot? Because in Korea, that’s what you have; ’pilots’, who think they are at the controls of jet planes, not buses. Well, actually, the limo bus drivers in Korea are usually quite sane. Usually. I mean they do suffer from the same illusion that regular town bus drivers suffer from, the ones that also must watch Top Gun in the driver’s lounge at the bus station before their shift; the ones who wear white gloves and sun glasses, all the time: They think that everyone on the bus is so boring and stupid that he has to have a radio show on, an inane talk show, the news, or the traffic reports–in order for his brain to remain active. They never seem to think that the folks who ride buses are working class people with their own worries, not to mention cell phones–on which the average Korean can survive with little else. I mean you text, call, take a call, play with the camera functions, play games, look at your photos, take photos, use the dictionary, surf the Internet, or even order a pizza. Well, not on the bus (can you do that now in Korea?) . With a cell phone these days, you can even listen to a radio show! ‘WE DON”T NEED THE DRIVER’S CHOICE RADIO BLARING IN OUR EARS!’ I would like to say that to the driver. Hell, there are even old-fashioned folks on board who still read newspapers, magazines, and novels, or try to sleep!
But to be fair, the bus drivers of the limo buses don’t drive crazy. So I attempt to sit…
To be continued…
Carlo Atteniese
Shimmering Vignettes
24 Jul 2009 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized
Blessed, deep dark, shimmering vignettes,
Intrigue my mind and tease my eye,
Until I’m momentarily high,
and I’m alone
…to the heart
23 Jul 2009 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized
They say it is a window into the soul
I don’t know about that
I would say the sign of the soul is the movement and actions of a person
Does she dance, laugh, sing, cry, paint, live, or moment by moment,
Does she die?
And how?
And why?
But the eye,
Colorful muscles, proscribing a hole
Ensconsed in a large, shiny globe
Bringing the world into our minds
Enchanting us with light
And revealing our hearts
Carlo Atteniese
Amber’s “Baby Dream”
23 Jul 2009 Leave a Comment
It’s a chilly morning in my room. That surprises me. I usually wake up hot, in the heat of the sun that fills the apartment. I haven’t opened the blinds in a few days. Just haven’t had the interest in looking out and haven’t cared about creating a nice atmosphere within, with the river view. The lights at night are nice. Anyway, I like the chill. It’s refreshing.
Right now, the sky is an ill, milky-white-grey, as it often is in smog-choked Seoul. I miss the fresh blue skies of morning back in Lynbrook, and in Boulder. I am reminded often of the intense, the bright blue of London skies, when I arrived at Heathrow in ’04; how it remindd me of New York. How I felt I had come home. How sad I often feel for Koreans who haven’t traveled abroad yet. The ones who only ‘know’ from pictures how the simplist city scenery can be so much more inspiring, elsewhere. What would I do without my memories? How different would my personality be? How much worse? How much better?
Amber told me yesterday of this dream. I’ll write it straight from the notes I took as she spoke yesterday:
Oh! I had a dream. In it I had a baby. It was really pretty.
I had to feed it. I couldn’t, though. I hadn’t been pregnant. I couldn’t give milk. It wasn’t my baby. It was someone elses. And I couldn’t find anyone to breastfeed her. There was no cow milk in the house, either. I opened the refrigerator. I found soy milk. I also did find regular milk after all. I chose the soy milk, because it’s from vegatables.
I don’t know why, but I put the baby in the refrigerator.
I saw a cat. And, forgotting about the baby, I fed the soy milk to the cat. Then, I thought about the baby and went back to the fridge.
The baby was dead-cold; not breathing. I didn’t know what to do.
I think I know what this dream means. I’m taking care of the cat too much (Dangkongi, my cat in reality). My sister, Hanna, said ‘you’re taking care of it like it’s a baby.’
Dearest Amber:
I wonder if the baby represents your job, too, among other things. Your boss finds fault with you, as you do yourself–for relatively small things in my view…at work. So you have mistakes on your mind. You are also rather concerned about doing things right, or about having the chance to do them at all (a theme in life in Korea, more than elsewhere, if you ask me). And since you love Dankongi, and feel obliged to care for her–as she is like a baby–her needs come first. Your boss, as we have discussed, does things that are really annoying, unfair, and plainly foolish, so, there is more inspiration for the foolishness represented in your dream. But don’t feel bad. You are just an actor in the dream, I think. The story is what is important. To me, the dream is about obligation, observation, recognition, and responsibility. It also shows that when we choose (consciously or not)–or are ‘forced’, to do one thing–we may not be able to do another.
To me, it is all a matter of slowing down, and not doing everything according to rules, or unconsciously. As I see it, our souls are often the victims of tradition, like at work, where you are prone (and sort of obligated) to follow your boss’ inane leadership and do things that are non-sensible, even grossly unfair. Your dreams are a release, and a teacher! Congratulations!
I like your dreams very much. You dream clear stories, frequently, too. And you describe them nicely, in English.
Love,
“Leo”
More on “Shower & Work Meditation”
22 Jul 2009 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: Buddhism, Chong Go Sunim, Han Maum, Joe Bengivenni, Joeseph Siemion, Marcus Journal, Meditation, Work, Zen
Sunday, November 23, 2008
So I thought, or rather “Juingong” told me, that the best meditation is–drum roll please–work. I discovered this in the ah, ehem, shower. That’s right, even out of bed,the best things still seem to happen when I am naked. And ah, well, I don’t have a bed, and so, nothing happens there anyway. Ha ha. Ehem.
But really, when you think about it, washing is work. You apply force, expend energy, and complete a task. But the thing is, it is physical, and that is the point. I am not saying you are going to have deep realizations or enlightenment while writing a dissertation Adam, a lesson plan Amber, a blog post, Joe, Joseph, or Marcus, or a poem Uncle Charlie~or when you are making a picture, Chris. Although I am sure it happens, since those are creative endeavors.
What I am saying is, when your body and mind are engaged in a mostly non-intellectual task, like painting the front stoop, or sweeping up the kitchen, or, as the mundane case happens to be, taking a shower, the good stuff comes and it does because of the clarity of mind; the non-focused nature of the engagement. It happens when I am drawing. And that is the key. The mind is focused in a habitual, mundane task, as it is on the breath during meditation, but it is not so focused that it is prone to ego control, such as worry, planning, suspicion.
Now when I was a follow-on rock climber scaling a few rock faces with you Chris, I had great clarity of mind. But no realizations. The focus is too great. And I was a novice. But I would ask you old buddy, since you are no doubt an expert mountaineer now, in the course of climbing, say a grade that is not too difficult, are a lot of the procedures, like placing pro, so habitual now, that you can think of other things? During flow, do you have realizations? Is it like meditation? How about when you are cycling? I have my doubt about that.
Paul, you play B-ball a lot. Bob, you run a lot. These things I think are thought-inhibitors, but can you dream; day dream, uncontrollably? I don’t think so. Me? I do push-ups and pull ups a lot, in the house, and my mind goes relatively blank, but it is too violent, like basketball, and so I can’t observe my mind, receive from the Juingong. But Bob, running is pretty automatic, right? What happens there?
Joe, how about playing ping pong? Does it bring blankness, thought, visions, or is it as I expect, too violent for the mind to be engaged or receptive beyond the task?
The way I see it, when we sit in meditation, it takes a lot of concentration. And if you ask me, this is attachment in the course of practicing non-attachment. I still advocate doing it, but think we should engage other types. After all, Venerable Thich Nhat Hanh is a big proponent of walking meditation and I can see why. It is like showering. You don’t have to think while doing it, and the action itself distracts you from too much thought.
What are your feelings on this Chong Go and Gyatso Sunims? I wonder if I should write Thich Nhat Hanh on shower meditation? How would we do that in a group? Sangha would get pretty interesting.
Posted by Carlo at 7:17 PM
9 comments:
Joseph Bengivenni ~ Gil-do said…
The only knowledge I’ve heard on the subject is to practice focussing your mind entirely on the task at hand, that is a form of meditation. In the common meaning of meditation, what you should be practising is keeping your mind focussed on one thing.
November 23, 2008 8:20 PM
Marcus said…
Hi Carlo,
Group shower mediations! Now there’s a thought!Seriously though, yes, I guess work (or anything else) can be done in mindfulness, almost as a meditation in and of itself. But I wonder, if you want to to meditate – and I think mediatation is a very useful part of anyone’s practice if not necessarily the main part – is it better to take a shower, do some work, or……sit?
Surely, meditation is easier and better when you sit. Then, sfter you’ve been sitting a while, you can bring the qualities of your mediation (observation, calmness, etc) to other tasks and gradually bring a meditative approach to everything you do.
But I’m pretty certain that you can’t just shower/work/write/play/etc etc and call it ‘meditation’. It can be meditative, but unless you actually meditate, that’ll be hard to achieve.
Just my thoughts on it.
Wishing you peace,
Marcus
November 23, 2008 8:27 PM
Carlo said…
Joseph and Marcus,
Hi, How are you doing?
YOU ARE WRONG! No, just kidding. Yes, I think what you both said is true.
Joseph, what I like about ‘working-meditation’, or ’shower-meditation’, is, the focus you speak of is there (no?) but it is automatic, not really conscious, so much.
But then, YOU have a point Marcus; if it is accidental, are you “doing it?”
‘My thing’sounds like something Lao Tse or Chwang Tse would have advocated; ‘non-doing meditation’.
Couldn’t you see the Old Boy?
“Student, let’s not meditate.”
‘Okay, let’s do that!”
“Whack!”
Enlightenment!
“Teacher, I just realized, I am out of soap.”
“OK, then to the baths.”
But then, maybe it’s just day dreaming, but I think day dreaming involves indulging in active penetration of the “dream”, like wondering.
Marcus, I see your point in that it is practice when you set out to do it, master it, and then direct your consciousness to, as you said, observation, calmness.
Surely what I am talking about is not a “gata” type of thing.
Thanks for the feedback. This is fun.
Carlo
tap…tap…tap
…weeer…weeer…weeer…
“Ping!”
Oh my Buddha, I just got enlightened (Gregorian chanting choir chimes in in acending octives)!
November 23, 2008 10:06 PM
Marcus said…
“Student, let’s not meditate.”‘Okay, let’s do that!””Whack!”Enlightenment!
—————
Brilliant!
November 23, 2008 11:05 PM
Carlo said…
Thank you Marcus.The new way I am approaching life and my blog is, uhm, “Carl Lite”.How are you?
~~~
-.-
O
November 24, 2008 5:55 AM
Joseph said…
Hi Carl,
Ping pong, well, there’s too much concentration to be worried or questioning anything, like all sports. I think what most of us want is relief from the mind’s incessant chattering, weighing, worrying, etc. The mind is a nuisance. There’s many ways to find space and quietness: sports, dance, art, writing, alcohol, drugs, and even meditation. Meditation is the least fun and the most difficult, however, it’s the only way which provides insight into the “nuisance”.Like the new blog. Try keeping it for a few days!Cya!
December 5, 2008 8:41 PM
“Carlo” said…
Hi Joe!Thanks for the thoughts. Yeah, though I like meditation, I would agree, it is the least fun (and would add) perhaps it’s not even the most effective way of calming the mind.On the blog-front,I think I finally got it where I want it, and thank yo for the compliment!
Carlo
December 6, 2008 8:53 PM
somewhereindhamma said…
“The Art of Living, Vipassana Medition as taught by S.N. Goenka” is a really great book on meditation, and the best meditation I’ve ever learned about. It’s notr Zen, it’s the the meditation rediscovered by Siddhatta Gotoma and a step by step path to purifying one’s mind. Really, it’s a great book, with wonderful quotes and stories, and not thick at all.
The Heart, The Mind, Love and Culture
22 Jul 2009 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized
Someone writing to me at All Experts.com asked me about love. This is what I wrote:
Dear New Friend,
How are you? I wish you Love, Peace, and Joy, sincerely. You deserve these graces in life. You are The Universe’s greatest gift; a human being. If you believe in God, the same is true; you are God’s greatest gift.
Congratulate yourself for writing, and for seeking advice. Your heart is opened.
I hope you have some herb tea to sip, and that you are near a window through which you can see the beauty and simplicity of nature.
I will answer all your questions, with one answer, and I DO MEAN ALL YOUR QUESTIONS, including any you will ever have until the day you die. This is what you should do:
Follow your heart, not your head.
That is the answer to every single question in the length and breath of a life, bar none.
Many people will argue about this with you, especially your parents, but in their own hearts, they know this to be true, if they are spiritually and emotionally alive, as honest, free-thinking individuals. If they are not overly and stubbornly enslaved by fear and conformity to their own outdated traditions.
Of course, in life, we require the use of our minds. But make no mistake about it; the mind assists the heart, not the other way around. If you use your mind to decide what your true inherent nature, your soul, your true self really feels and wants, you will always be confused.
I am not saying you should not be prudent, logical, cynical, and careful. What I AM saying is that you have to be completely honest with yourself in life, and in that way you find a moral and happy path, within and without. Your mind helps you navigate it; it doesn’t create that path; the heart does.
Follow your heart. Once you do that, you can be free of worry, and courageous enough to be a fully human being, which means you can be honest with yourself and others. I do not mean you are not human now, but by listening to your parents, and calculating every move for your heart with your mind, you are not living up to your full potential as a human being, and you will only stunt your maturation this way. Your parents, by the way, are not being the best they can be as parents by forbidding you to date, unless they know of some major psychological problems or physical limitations that you have.
What do I mean by ‘being a fully human being’? I mean that the hallmark of humanity is its emotional and intellectual power to express the true self, creatively, honestly, compassionately, and lovingly. Whatever stands in the way of that stands in the way of our humanity; whatever it is; be it culture, parents, government, religion, whatever. The human soul is divine, and it needs to be free. Period. End of subject.
When you like someone, do not use cleverness to let him know. Just let him know; subtly, or overtly, but let him know. Don’t play games. You are great enough to find one of the thousands out there in every part of the world who can be suited to you if you don’t get to be with the one you want at a particular time. Cleverness is about greed, ego, and fear. Open your heart and throw it away.
You are a wonderful human being. Be a happy one too.
Things do happen for a reason. The reason is their causes; everything is cause and effect. This boy was disappointed because he discovered you are complicated. Don’t feel bad. We are all complicated to one degree or another, because we aren’t trees, fish, rocks, or squirrels (though many parents, religious leaders, and politicians treat us this way). Uncomplicate yourself. Do it NOW.
How? Trust yourself, move forward, be positive, and all will unfold as it should. Be kind and loving toward your parents, but do not let them keep you a child. Don’t fight with them, but be honest, adult, and clear with them about your wanting to grow up.
I recommend you read the books that I mentioned on my profile page. You are young, and so your life will be greatly enhanced immeasurably by them with an education in what love is if you do (FOR SURE), and it will be enhanced early on; not late, like it is for most people.
Peace, Love, and Joy to You,
Carlo Atteniese
Always
22 Jul 2009 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized
Whilst you lie dreaming
I dream anew
And when you’re awake
My waking mind sleeps too
Adream again,
In dreams I do
I dream of us
I dream of you
~ Carlo Atteniese
Playcat
21 Jul 2009 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized
Dangkongi insists on sleeping with Amber. The problem was, she was always scratching and biting Amber, in an attempt to play. Now she has a collar on to prevent her from scratching herself, because she has an infection on her skin. So the poor little cat is too uncomfortable to play too much, but Amber told me last night, she is still at it, even if much less.
I miss Dangkongi. I might have to get a cat of my own, for home, and for traveling together. But for now, I look forward to seeing her when I see my other kitten, Amber.
~Carlo
Osaka Cats
20 Jul 2009 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: Cats, Japan, Poetry
I saw healthy, leisurely, lazy-eyed felines
Strolling and reclining in the streets
Of America Mora, in Osaka
Unlike the rather battered and desperate
Alley-cats found scavenging with fearful eyes
Skittering away when you approach them
With shopped tails, and mangy fur
Seen in the gutters of a nearby country
The loved animals of Japan,
The regal and relaxed “nekko”s
Exude calm, and reflect kindness
Showing a security and benevolence
I expect here
No missing appendages
No splotchy fur
No orphan-like looks
Just soft-orbed, shiny-haired, non-challant pedestrian cats
Residents walking slowly here and there
Perhaps looking for food or prey
But not in danger of starving
They lie curled up on stone floors
Near Buddhist and shinto shrines
And don’t run away as I approach
Carlo Atteniese
Amber’s Eyes
13 Jul 2009 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: Amber Park, Carlo Atteniese, Eyes, Poetry
Amber,
Her eyes are light,
The shape of happiness
Her nose is smooth,
Reminiscent of a cuddly cat’s
Her lips are lines and radiant shapes,
Painted with Vermeer’s brush
And when she is a ‘mirth with me,
My face must be aflush…
Carlo Atteniese
Carlo’s New Writing, Elsewhere
10 Jul 2009 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized
Trains, Buses, and Ajumas in Korea (at Karmablues), What to See, (on ‘Atteniese’), ’Love, Culture, and, The Mind (here, under “Love”), Are You ‘in-Church’, ‘at Church’, or ‘at the Church’? (at ‘Amber’s English’) and Talking about Other Women (also at ‘Atteniese’).
The Light from You
09 Jul 2009 2 Comments
in Uncategorized
Need I words
Oh, I wish not
Though desire binds me
To express a lot
About this light
That defines your face
Revealing all your wondrous grace
…
Were I a musician
Yes, I would play
For you a lovely song each day
Were I a poet
Oh, I would make
Your daily sonnet
For beauty’s sake
You are just so angelic to me
I want for you
And the world to see
The light!
The light!
The shadows true!
Rainnaissance paintings they make of you!
For your serene and gentle face!
It drives my heart a rapid pace!
Da Vinci’s passed!
Carravaggio too!
Waterhouse, gone!
What can we do!
I’ve but one choice!
‘Tis plain to see
With brush and pigment
Set this free
This desire
This passion
And this pain
To show
What’s seen within again
Yet silent now
I can keep not
Desire I’ve to express a lot
About this light
That defines your face
Revealing all your wonderous grace
Carlo Atteniese
Saying “I love you.”
09 Jul 2009 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: Amber Park, Cats, Photography
A person in Canada wrote me this week asking about saying the words ‘I love you.’ I was preparing for a class, so couldn’t give a long answer, but this is what I said while promising to write more, later:
Meditate, and realize that love is in the heart, not the head. What comes from the head is how to navigate love, but it is in the heart, or it is not. It is also something that exists between you two, drawing you together; a sort of force that binds you from the outside, depending on what is inside, like the gravity between two celestial objects.
If you feel that force, and you admit it, and saying it is there (saying “I love you”) makes you happy, it grows stronger, for you and for him.
Peace, Love, and Joy to You,
~Carlo Atteniese
Peanut Gallery
07 Jul 2009 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: Cats, Dangkongi, Peanut
This is Dangkong (/dahng-koang/), or Peanut in English. Her name is Korean, and was made by her best friend, and her care-taker, Amber. We found her one night in a box with other homeless kittens, on the street, in Osan, a city outside Seoul. A “grandfather” was selling her and the other kittens (I say grandfather, because since I have come to live in Korea, I have learned that that is what we call much older men, and though I tell students that we don’t say grandfather in English, unless it is our own grandfather we are speaking of, I like saying it now rather than ‘old man’. That is because I imagine the man would not want to be classified as “old”, perhaps). Anyway, he charged us twenty thousand won for the little cat; the usual Korean monetary equivilent of about twenty American dollars (not considering the acutal exchange rate).
Amber and I took the little girl home. Well, I took her first, because Amber cannot really have pets at home full-time. “Dangkongy” stayed with me a few days, and then I gave her to Amber so Amber could take her to a vet, because she seemed to be getting bloated. We found out that the little feline had an intestinal, or stomach virus, and that she could have died. I thought the doctor was being responsible more than accurate when telling us that, and telling us about the worst-case scenario. I trusted his expertise, but had more hope! Dangkongi usually had so much energy, personality, and power! When Amber heard the news, she cried. I couldn’t believe the little girl would die, so I tried to encourage her there as we stood in the office, watching the vet in his blues make the prognosis. Amber did research and told me the doctor was right, and when I looked it up I found out it was highly possible too. We worried for a few days.
He gave medicine to Amber, which she religiously fed Dangkoni with a syringe, after mixing the powder with water; injecting it under Dangkongi’s lip and over her lapping tongue. It was cute, the way the she drank (The syringe had no needle; just a tube and a plunger).
In few days Dangkongi was better. She stayed a few days at my house, and a few days at Amber’s, all the while running around and exploring, licking our hands, playing with her toy ball, and the ball and string toys Amber bought for her, and crying out like a human baby when it was time to eat.
She also visited Amber’s school several times, where the other teachers, like Chloe, Lindsey, Lea, and Chrissy, all gave Dangkoni sweet attention. The students love her too. I took her on a trip to the COEX aquarium where she was intrigued by sharks, fish, sea turtles and kindergarten kids who also were enamored by her cuteness and personality. We even took her on a trip to Joong Do (Joong Island), in Chooncheon, where she was a star attraction for people taking shade under a trellice covered with branches and leaves, which she climbed up. She ran around, playing in the grass and dirt and had a great time.
I am very happy about Dangkongi because she is so affectionate when at my house, so pleasant, and because she makes Amber so very happy. Amber is becoming a cat-expert because of her new kitten, reading books and Internet pages about felines all the time. I am so proud of her. She dotes on Dangkongi as if she were a human baby, and as a result, I learned how to be more careful with her too.
Thank you, My Kittens, for all your love,
Carlo
The Closest Star
04 Jul 2009 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized
The Sun by itself accounts for about 99.86% of the Solar System’s mass. It is the closest star to the Earth at about 149,598,000 kilometres (92,956,000 mi). The sun’s light travels this distance in 8 minutes and 19 seconds, but the sun’s distance from the Earth changes throughout the year from a minimum of 147,100,000 kilometres (91,400,000 mi) on 3 January, to a maximum of 152,100,000 kilometres (94,500,000 mi) on 4 July. Sunlight is the energy that supports almost all life on Earth in the process of photosynthesis and is responsible for the Earth’s climate and weather. The surface of the Sun consists of hydrogen (about 74% of its mass, or 92% of its volume), helium (about 24% of mass, 7% of volume), and trace quantities of other elements, including iron, nickel, oxygen, silicon, sulfur, magnesium, carbon, neon, calcium, and chromium.[11] The Sun has a spectral class of G2V. G2 means that it has a surface temperature of approximately 5,780 K (5,510 °C) giving it a white color, which often appears as yellow when seen from the surface of the Earth because of atmospheric scattering. This is a subtractive effect, as the preferential scattering of shorter wavelength light removes enough violet and blue light, leaving a range of frequencies that is perceived by the human eye as yellow. It is this scattering of light at the blue end of the spectrum that gives the surrounding sky its color. When the Sun is low in the sky, even more light is scattered so that the Sun appears orange or even red.
The Sun’s spectrum contains lines of ionized and neutral metals as well as very weak hydrogen lines. The V (Roman five) in the spectral class indicates that the Sun, like most stars, is a main sequence star. This means that it generates its energy by nuclear fusion of hydrogen nuclei into helium. There are more than 100 million G2 class stars in our galaxy. Once regarded as a small and relatively insignificant star, the Sun is now known to be brighter than 85% of the stars in the galaxy, most of which are red dwarfs.[13][14]
The Sun orbits the center of the Milky Way galaxy at a distance of approximately 24,000–26,000 light years from the galactic center, moving generally in the direction of Cygnus and completing one revolution in about 225–250 million years (one Galactic year). Its orbital speed was thought to be 220±20 km/s, but a new estimate gives 251 km/s.[15] This is equivalent to about one light-year every 1,190 years, and about one astronomical unit (AU) every 7 days. These measurements of galactic distance and speed are as accurate as can be, given current knowledge, but this may change as more is learned.[16] Since our galaxy is moving with respect to the cosmic microwave background radiation (CMB) in the direction of Hydra with a speed of 550 km/s, the sun’s resultant velocity with respect to the CMB is about 370 km/s in the direction of Crater or Leo.[17]
The Sun is currently traveling through the Local Interstellar Cloud in the low-density Local Bubble zone of diffuse high-temperature gas, in the inner rim of the Orion Arm of the Milky Way Galaxy, between the larger Perseus and Sagittarius arms of the galaxy. Of the 50 nearest stellar systems within 17 light-years (1.6×1014 km) from the Earth, the Sun ranks 4th[18] in mass as a fourth magnitude star (M = +4.83).[1][19][contradiction]
Information from Wikipedia.org. Read more, for instance, about how the sun was formed.
Being Who You Are, Unknown
02 Jul 2009 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: Being Yourself, Carlo Atteniese
Last week I wrote about the river. I am fortunate to live over the Han River, and I have learned from this experience, that the surface of a river has so many ways of appearing, it acutally can have more physical personality than a person.Right now, in the white-gray rain falling outside (well, as proof of what I had just said, the face of the river has already changed) but there were thousands of light-grey, almost white striations moving under a rippling , and droplet-pecked covering that moved over those whiteish bands, toward the base of my window.
The other day, parts of the water looked like dunes of sand in a desert.
The way things look, does not indicate what they are.
Several thousand feet above the river, is a large, handsome, enigmatic thunderhead of a cumulo-nimbus cloud; metalic, pale-blue, and quiet. It has a stark, well-defined edge, set in contrast with a faint orange-white background, which is a patch of light against the rainy-blue sky. The edge of that roundish, giant collection of water-vapor, is like the blueish silhuette of a huge head of couliflour.
And now the river has more parades of ripppling, drop-pelletted highs and lows, almost like millions of armies of whiteish ants, craweling in another diagonal toward me, over what looks like an underpinning of interconnected, irregular islands of bleeding, pale grey.
It never stops changing.
Presently, more tares in the cloudy ceiling of the sky are revealing more pale light, that are actually–as I discover my previous ignorance–not always holes in other clouds at all, but closer, fore-ground drifting white clouds, catching the abundance of the local star’s rays.
***
The rain falls
Millions of drops a heartbeat
Reminding me,
With each other of their taps on the roof of the school now
In the rumbling passing of the seconds, that
The falling of the melting clouds of ocean water on us,
Are like our kisses,
And our tears
***
When I was a boy, I used to sit at the kitchen counter on the dining-room side of the dining-room/kitchen, and my mother would be on the kitchen side, preparing a meal. I would tell my mother all about what I had been reading.
To be continued…
Carl Atteniese Jr.
Madly in Love?
26 Jun 2009 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized
A client wrote me asking about a lost chance at love. Here is my answer.
Tree of Love
23 Jun 2009 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: Amber Park, Carlo Atteniese, Love, Poetry, Tree
I wish that I…were a tree
Strong and handsome and good,
Upon which you could lean,
And rest against my wood
Sit, you could, in the shade I make
Or climb my branches high,
Wherein some refuge you could take
And nearly touch the sky
And from up there you’d see the town
And all there is to see
And I could do what I love,
Which is simply holding you
If I were a tree, a swing could be hung,
From my arms with ease
And you could glide upon it,
In the summer breeze
And…if…I were…a tree My Love,
You could take a knife,
And carve a message in my bark
The message in my heart
The words that say ‘I love you’
And my Love will never part
Carlo Atteniese
What Do You See?
23 Jun 2009 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: Carlo Atteniese, Poetry
This morning, your wavy skin was ‘wrinkled’
200 yard-long, perfect emanating, oil-gray,
Straight rippling wrinkles
From under the elevated highway
Moving out slowly, at an angle
It was quite surreal
Your water was something else
A liquidy reptile hide, crawling
I had to reassess what I was seeing
Like a newborn animal seeing a car speed by
Like images from a dream in the daylight, with one’s eyes open
Imagine skimminfg a stone,
But straight crests and troughs coming from it,
Slowly, like snakes, aligned straight, drifting away under a blanket
A reminder that nature paints itself a million ways
And how we see her is everything
And nothing at all
*
Our wet cat is looking out at you now
I washed her this morning
She is having problems digesting
And so she poops too much
Her skin is no doubt wrinkled
Under her water-matted fur
She looks adorable, if not foolish
Not scary, as you did this morning
My skin is itchy, where Kongi accidentally left marks from her attempt to avoid a bath
Your skin is wrippled near the other side, shimmering with a painter’s look of impressionism
Nearby, you look like a grey desert
The cat’s skin is warm
As is my love’s, who lies sleeping, far away
Something I do know is unwrinkled
Yet growing, like the ripples on the river
Carlo Atteniese
Sunshine, Flowers, and Grace
19 Jun 2009 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: by Carlo Atteniese, Pictures of Amber Park
New Poems by Charles X. F. Carroll : A THOUSAND WAYS THOUGHTS ON LOCKS
Amber’s Heath Leger
19 Jun 2009 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: Amber Park, ART, Drawing, Korean Artists
This sketch by Bitna “Amber” Park is also on her Drawing page at this site.
New poems by Carlo: Change Tree of Love
What if?
05 Jun 2009 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized
When we met someone,
Instead of being serious,
We had to make him or her laugh?
Night Light
04 Jun 2009 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized
Ghosts are real because they affect us, like light,
The problem is, we don’t know what we are looking at, so we call them ghosts
Thank You, Lovely
23 May 2009 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized
I want to thank you,
Lovely Bella Bitna Nabiya,
For all the nice things you have done for me lately,
Like fitting me into your busy schedule, when you easily could have said, ‘next time’
And for buying me the T-shirts, and the lotion, and the movie tickets and the wonderful dinner in Suwon
Most of all, thank you for thinking of me so often,
Thank you for caring so much about my health,
That you often check to see what I am eating,
And for waiting until I am home, before you sleep
Thank you for reminding me that loving you is about making you happy,
By your doing the same for me; making me so happy, by putting me first
You are wonderful
And I am a better man for it
Love,
“Leo”
On Love
20 May 2009 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized
Love is the active concern for the life and growth of that which we love.
~ Erich Fromm
To Be Continued…
Happy Five, Amberlia
15 May 2009 Leave a Comment
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Last Night, Meeting You
You looked so like a newly bloomed bud
A fresh-cut flower
Soft and statue~like
Gentle and innocent
Elegant and sophisticated
In your blue, and dark blue,
Silver and white satin dress
With your shiny, auburn hair
You saw me first
Walking there
To find you at the bus stop
To ride with you home from work
You stared at me along the way
The way I usually stare at you
You told with a new light in your eyes,
That your fellow teacher Christy
Thought that I looked strong,
And confident,
And like a movie actor
And you put your head softly
And happily on my shoulder
To rest it there after your long day
Then you put your hand in mine
And it was like the very first time
When we rode a bus from Suwon to Seoul
On our first date, after Christmas
We met five month ago today
In Insa dong
I’ll never forget
I asked you then
“Are you Married?”
And I told you onight that men would want to know the same
Were we to go to America, or Britain
So I joked that I should keep us here
And you asked if thought you wee too shy
But you wouldn’t tell me how or why
Now I suppose perhaps you’re guessing
If I wonder why you haven’t complimented me
Like your coworker
Or is your question about shyness
Because you wondered in some ‘whyness ‘
How you didn’t take such guyness
When you were in Britain?
Just kidden!?
Or is it because you haven’t…
Oh, never mind it
Actually, you calle dme Leo
becasue you thought I appeared so strong
Sexy, like the lion
You’d once said
But I have been sensitive for so long
Still that sensitivity in me
You may realize is my strength
But what should be poems
sometimes came out
As sad or angry songs
And I am glad you see the good
And I see the good
So much in you
We all have weaknesses
Especially under pressure
But we survive
Our love is pure
And so survive we should
Back to that night, that Thursday night
I walked you home
And along the way
We stopped in the park and sat a while
And kissed so
And again and again
It was so nice to be there with you
Calm and tranquil
Inspiring
Just breezy
The wind in the trees around the childrens play tube and jungle gym
The light of the lamps on the tree leaves
The ugly pyeonijum nearby that didn’t matter
You kissed me first
You kissed me too
You liked my goatee
And I liked everthing about you
Dressed in dark blue
(this was the night I came to see you home; then I stayed and came to work with you, you bought me dinner at Outback, and we went out the next day too, to Seoul ^^, and again, back to Suwon, and back to Jamshil for your MP3~this poem will be continued soon…)
Amber And Doughnuts
06 May 2009 Leave a Comment
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Eating doughnuts with you
On Saturday
The rain falling outside
Makes all of life worthwhile
What Is Love?
02 May 2009 Leave a Comment
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Love is the search for the divine within us and between us, and allowing it to take over.
~~~~~~~~
There is a new poem by Uncle Charli on his page, under poetry.
My Health, Blood Sugar, and Cholesterol
29 Apr 2009 Leave a Comment
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I went to the doctor’s last Thursday because besides from trying to be some kind of vegetarian (I still eat dairy products and fish), and doing a bit of exercise each week, my health has been neglected for over a decade. It is interesting to note that on the day I decided to go, I didn’t seek permission from my supervisor or the director, but went straight to the owner, by phone, because I knew she would understand me, and with some coaxing, I got her to agree that I should not even report to ask the afore-mentioned powers-that-be becasue I knew that would waste time, and I was interested in getting back in a timely fashion.
Later, I was given a lecture on how I should plan these things. True, but sometimes, when stress is really affecting your life, you need to take action right away. I am glad I did. Procrastination, and puting work and other concerns first has led to a life of ignorance in face of the fact that I am hypoglycemic, at least at times. It is no surprise. I have expended an enourmous amount of energy my whole life, in work, activism, thinking, discussion, dealing with mountains of stress, teaching (teaching is a rel drain of energy), and moving from place to place.
Hypoglycemic. That is what I found out; that, and that my bilirubin is high, meaning my liver is on the defensive. To boot, my blood is anemic. That,I have sort of known most of my life. From my father’s side, I have inherited a recessive trait; trace thalesemia, which is not the full blown disease of course, but an assortment of symptoms. When I was a boy, I would get out of bed and be weak-kneed, have trouble making a fist upon waking, and suffer lethargy. But it didn’t stop me from playing pee wee football, being a member of the soccer team in adolescence and high school, the track team, the wrestling team, nor from doing gymnastics in college.
My cholesterol levels seem good. My total is 150. When I was 19, it was 113, because I exercised a lot more, and was a more serious vegetarian. But I would like my HDL (high density lipo-protein, “the good ‘cholesterol’”) to be higher and my LDL (low density lipo-protein, “the bad ‘cholesterol’”) a bit lower. It seems my other levels are okay too. Although my amylase (a digestive enzyme) is high and the doc said nothing about that (and neither did the chart). I will post the numbers here later.
From what I learned today on You-tube, you can force hypoglycemic effects by over-activity and then over consumption of sugars to compensate. The body then surges the insulin into your system to bring the sugar down–sometimes too low, and there you have it: extreme ups and downs.
As the doctor said, by all reckoning (from the W 250,000 test) I am healthy, except for the above-mentioned problems of anemic and hypoglycemic factors. So I am not worried, as I know this is controled by diet, and diabetes is not a problem in my family, and I am usually very healthy. I know this is due to not eating right and over-working, moving a lot, and being very active. I am driving my sugar level down myself, and this is easily taken care of with proper diet. Stress doesn’t help though, and I feel a lot of stress living in Korea, to be frank (as do all my friends, and Koreans say it is stressful too; especially in Seoul).
What does this mean; the hypoglycemic issue, I mean? Well, I have had strong emotions all my life. You might say it is a New York thing. If you don’t like that assessment, you could say it is an Italian or Irish thing. If non of that suits you, you could say it’s an Atteniese thing. You could say it is because I am an artistic person, but I don’t know about that. You could say it is all of the above, and/or, that I put myself in stressful situations. The latter is certainly true. But I suspect the main culprit is the hypoclycemia. I do not believe it is permanent, especially after listening to the second video below. This doctor talks about how we make our blood sugar problems ourselves. Mood swings and depression can accompany rises and drops in blood sugar.
When I consider my relationships, and how they have been a bit stormy, I know for a fact what I had suspected for years, but never checked out. This kind of blood chemistry can lead to major mood swings, depression, and discord. The great news is, you can control and stop it. I don’t have a disease, so much as a sensitive system with a high metabolism from a life of exercise, vegetarianism, and rapid, active activity, which if not treated right, regularly goes to empty, which causes the emergency responses that make hell of one’s disposition, from time to time.
The issue of the high bilirubin (an element in the liver) is a concern. I guess it is not a coincidence that the liver makes cholesterol, and is related to sugar levels in some way, I think. Thursday I will have an utra-sound of my liver. I had one of those years ago, for an epididimal hydroceal. For that the nurse has to take your pants down and put gel on your private area. I remember telling her that usually a gal has to take me to dinner first. (^o^)~
Well, now that I know, I am going to get nutritional therapy. I look forward to it. Perhaps I will take a glucose tolerance test and find out if particular foods are making me the way I tend to be at times, which is a bit high strung, when in a conflict. Amber, if you could see me when out with friends in New Yorkm when there is nothing to worry about. Whew. It is a little like when you and I are beginning a date, and there is not a care in the world, and I am joking around, making you laugh, only a thousand times better.
I stayed up tonight looking at my blood workup and watching a few You Tube vids about health. Anyway, the video above is about blood sugar and about controling your own health, and is cool. But the one on the bottom, is amazing, ’cause it tells us what we are generally not told about cholesterol. Enjoy!
Love, Peace, and Joy,
Carl Atteniese
Amberlia, The videos here are interesting, but one of them may be hard to hear, so I will explain it to you. Basically one doctor is saying HDL and LDL are not even cholesterols. They are proteins that carry cholesterol around the body. He tells you what cholesterol does in our body, and why it is such an important molecule . The second one tells us about blood sugar, and this doctor is cool, because he says things like ‘why would you want a doctor to control your health with drugs; that’s for emergencies.’ You can and should control our own health’, and he says diabetes, and blood sugar problems are created by us, 95% of the time. Another video, actually the first, is about Cholesterol in general. The second-to-last one is about cholesterol myths, and the last one I think, is about cholesterol again in a general way, and hosted by an announcer.
Help for a Client; True Words for Me Too
28 Apr 2009 Leave a Comment
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Hi Friend,
I wish you Love, Peace, and Joy.
Thanks for writing again.
You feel love in your heart, as they say, or you feel something about the way the person looks at you. And at that time, or at those times, you sense that the “the door is open” to be closer. You cannot know if the person is already feeling intense love for you if she is just looking at you kindly and openly, and maybe you shouldn’t know at that stage anyway.
But if you feel, if you sense, that she is open to being near you, then you can step further and try to be more friendly, asking to go and talk somewhere, like on a nearby bench, or under a tree, or maybe you can even take the conversation you are already having and guide it to a place to have a meal.
Take things step by step, as my father likes to say. Don’t jump over the river, wade in a ways and feel the water, use your senses, and be patient, kind, friendly, and see how you feel, and how she feels. What I am saying is, don’t go too fast.
You don’t have to have intense love from her all at once. Be happy to be near her, and look at her as someone whom you might have to look carefully at for yourself, too, not as if she is perfect. A relationship is a conversation, as my friend and author/musician/photographer, Robert M. Diefendorf says.
Start the conversation by talking about something pleasant, see if you can continue that conversation, and let if go from there. If you enjoy one another more and more, don’t worry about the future too much, just take it day by day, moment by moment, second by second, aware of your feelings and hers.
You know, many times we must face the fact that nothing lasts forever, except for maybe metals, minerals, plastics, rock, and feelings of love-as long as our hearts and minds are alive to feel them. In reality, even metals and rock pass into the form of other tings, over time, so we face the sad fact that everything, especially our relationships will one day end, either by estrangement, growing apart, death, cultural constraints, or any number of unexpected events. Therefore, we have to appreciate what we have.
I myself do not know what will happen in my relationship. I love my girlfriend and want to marry her. But my girlfriend is younger than I, by quite a few years. Her family is strict Christian, and although I was raised Christian, and I am reacquainting myself with that faith now, I studied Buddhism recently, and it made me a better man, but that practice may cause my girlfriend’s family to reject me one day. I have to face that. But I decide to follow my heart, and the love that has grown between us, because in love I feel alive, able to grow, and able to face the challenges in this world. However that is true, I am realistic about it. We cannot force love, nor how much love we get, nor how long it lasts, but we can help it grow.
Love happens between us. We don’t even make it. It makes us. But we have to allow it too. We cannot push it.
We ‘cannot always have what we want,’ either, as the Rolling Stones song says, ‘but if we try sometimes, we may just might find, we get what we need’, at least for a time. And that may make all the difference in our lives.
I can tell you that every time I get in trouble with the one I love, it was because I was worrying about something or other; like ‘how will this or that effect her love for me.’ It happened last night. And as a result, I felt bad, and so did the one I love, who loves me. So stop worrying. Worrying is not caring, or love; it’s worry, which is being overly concerned that you won’t get what you want, and women, perhaps all people, are not comfortable around that emotion; perhaps, especially women. Women want true confidence in a man, but you cannot pretend to have it, it must be real. And true confidence comes from relaxing.
I just found out I have low blood sugar. Something I have wondered about for a long time. I never went to check it out with a doctor though, either because I didn’t believe it fully, or thought I could take care of it myself, or because at times, sadly, I didn’t have the money to go to the doctor because I spent it on other things. Well, I had a full blood test the other day and now I know that most likely, this problem has been playing with my health, emotions, and thus my relationships my whole life.
My point is, take care of yourself , Friend. Listen to your heart and the hearts of others, and relax, and take things slowly, and all will be all right. If she loves you, you will know, and if you do not know yet, she is not in love like you think you might want her to be, but if you relax, that is okay, always. She may change, later.
Ask her for a date, a friendly date, like going to a sports game, or a concert; perhaps something she would like to do, and if she goes, just be a gentleman, take your time, listen to her, and enjoy her company, and see what happens there.
And when you are with her, think of the whole experience as a gift.
Peace, Love, and Joy to You,
Carl Atteniese
When for Bitnah
23 Apr 2009 Leave a Comment
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When I look at you
When you look at me
I feel a warmth, and a depth,
Like the length and breath of my life
Comunicating to me
ideas, felings, and sentimetns, tings I didn’t know I needed, or things that would come to me looking like you
I feel a presence, from the future, from who I am
Which brings me to see like a child at Christmas
Like a man back from a war
A vision in you that touches me forever
When I can sit with you
On a bus or in a coffee shop
And stare into your eyes, whilst you stare into mine
With only one concern
Which is to find a way to do that forever
When I see your hips, and your arms, and your back; your fingers, and your neck, you hair and your smile~ your eyes full of glee, your nose so very soft and innocent…
Your shoulders, your legs and your gentle, grinning mouth
And nothing seems beautiful, like you
I understand all the love songs
And I understand what love really is
And because I remember your voice
And your care for me
And the sounds you make at the right and wrong times..
I need not move for eternity
Taking Care, Being Treated Fairly in Korea
21 Apr 2009 Leave a Comment
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Last night Amber went to the sauna with Lindsey. I was really happy about that. Korean saunas are amazing, and a great place to relax.
Amber works very hard at her institute, where she is head teacher. Because of her workload, she often 
doesn’t have time to eat. And as a result, she gets dizzy. She wears many hats at work; teacher, teacher-trainer, manager, counselor, front desk receptionist, artist, website-manager, what else?
Working in Korea–especially for Koreans–is a bit old-fashioned, in contrast to working in America. Or in some ways, in some places anyway, it is like working for used car-salesmen. One of those places is the “hakwon”, or institute industry. Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t all bad. Amber’s school seems to have a modern educational philosophy. And there is Woo-jung, a kind of brotherly love or sentimentality, when working with Koreans, which makes the workplace a sort of family environment. There are benefits and hazards to this. Managers and owners at a Korean language school may cook a meal for you, take you to the hospital, or invite you out to dinner when you are sick, to help improve your health. But this is partly because they are family-oriented and partly because their business-style is somewhat provincial, off the cuff, and last-minute; sort of unorganized at times, which often means the downside is, late payments, no payment, broken promises, and added work that suddenly takes away your afternoon lunch, dinner, or Saturday. Translation; unprofessional work ethics, and gross inconsistency. Basically the Korean management style of rule by fiat is exaggerated in the institute industry. And it is worse for Koreans, who are generally raised to practically worship their superiors, rather than merely respect them. Still, as I said before, there can be a lot of sentimentality that is sometimes lacking in the West, to smooth things out.
At her school, the manager leaves a lot on Amber’s plate that she herself should be responsible for, or so I have gathered from talks with Amber, and she leaves early, whilst Amber leaves late. She is often somewhat dictatorial and strict, instead of more team-oriented and flexible, which has affected all the teachers’ attitudes about her ability to lead. And what has she gotten for this mismanagement style? Recently the head office higher ups gave her the power to reduce peoples’ salary if they do not meet her standards. See what I mean? This is antique , turn-of the century corporate style.
And because she is over-worked, I often worry about Amber, who is often so harried during her work-day, that the stress, I feel, affects her health. I do not want to talk too negatively about her particular job, as I think it could bring her down, except to say that it is proof that Korea needs an educational institute union, for the teachers; especially for the Korean teachers, who are traditionally underpaid, over-worked, and often laboring in sub-standard conditions, given the level of labor activism here, the style of democracy they have, the technology that makes them well-connected to the outside world, and thus the sense of world-awareness evident in the country.
A few other things at Amber’s office; poor ventilation, short-staffed, no regular meal times (apparently).
So, last night I was happy that Amber got a chance to go to “Mokyoktang’, these saunas/bath-houses with many kinds of services and opportunities to pamper the tired body. And she went with her best female-friend, so it was probably fun for her.
As for me, I had dinner with Mr. Lee and his wife and kids at a great buffet at the new Wanghimni Station super mall and E-mart. After, I bought some cushions for my sleeping pad, and came home and did some counseling on the internet (http://www.allexperts.com/ep/855-62147/Know-Really-in-Love/Carl-Atteniese.htm).
And this morning (the next day), I had a funny conversation with Dave, who having left his institute nightmare job at BCM Cheonho, is now living in a small (really small, by western standards) rooming house. I want to call it ‘a station’, or ‘a pod’. These buildings–which are quite nifty and accommodating in reality–are so miniature, they seem like something that fell off a spacecraft.
So Dave and I joked about his free life; how if you didn’t know where he lived; where he sleeps at night (in a room not much bigger than a closet), you would think he had this ideal existance. He teaches just a few hours a day, makes good money, lives in a rich district of the city, and spends a lot of time relaxing and reading in coffee shops, talking to pretty girls and looking smart; like he is on vacation. He took a run by the stream this morning, and is probably sipping a hot Starbuck’s right now, talking to some pretty young thing.
We laughed as we imagined a sitcom, exaggerating his life (a life I lived once too). A guy like Mr. Bean, or Kramer would play the part, looking like a man of leisure, and when he got home, leaving his loving friends and admiring acquaintances to their imaginations about his sexy life, he would sleep standing up in a box-ahped room in a building shaped like anarrow tower, happy that he could close the door to his ‘room’ by lifting his leg and flexing his toes. We roared laughing.
I hope you feel better Amber; rested, and rejuvenated. Please make sure you steal some time for proper meals today. You cannot help your company, your family, or yourself, if you do not take good care of your health. (^_^)
Love,
“Leo”
Stand by Me
17 Apr 2009 Leave a Comment
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Bitnahnabiya! I really like that you like this song. Do you like that I like you liking it? I would like that. A lot…more than a lot. Maybe a whole lot+very much and big a amount too. ~Love, CarLeo
Us These Days
14 Apr 2009 2 Comments
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Didn’t we have a great time at the fortress that time? If we don’t go to Nami Seom, let’s go there again, have a picnic, take more pictures, and draw. BTW, I had an amazing time with you (even though we were together only a short time) last night. You’re the most wonderful woman, Lovely Bella Bitnanabiya, and you make me feel all right.
Thank You, Love, Leo =(^.^)=
In Japan
11 Apr 2009 2 Comments
in Uncategorized Tags: Amber Park, Carlo Atteniese, Japan, Travel Essay
Photo: Amber Park
The flight from Korea was flawless. Despite wanting to go to Incheon last night so I would be sure to arrive at the airport on time, I took myself home last night to save money and avoid complications. Amber admonished me to go to sleep by text and with her lovely, cute, and kind voice as I stayed up passed my professed hour of intended rest. I was editing the pictures you may see below in the next post when she called after church. I put myself to sleep around the time we hung up, and woke without error at four AM, staggered around the apartment, took a shower, and had some green tea. Then I got out the door and hoofed it–rather fast–to the Kwangnaru stop for the seventy-minute bus ride.
Here in Japan, as usual, I feel fresh, new, clean, expensive, pampered, successful, independent, respected, and content. I want all my friends and family to experience Japan. Amber already has, but I particularly want to come her with her, onthe hydrofoil. And of course, I would love to show my Dad and Uncle Charlie around. naturally, my sisters and Mom are in these hopes and dreams, but the men might appreciate Japan more in certain ways, I don’t know why; and I don’t mean for the negative reasons. I especially want my Uncle to See both Korea and Japan, for he helped liberate them from both fascism and communism.
Well, I have a short time here today, and I want to take pictures. In my thoughts are you Nancy, you Dad, you Mom, you Mary, Noah, Logan, and little Addy. Of course, I carry Amber with me, who lent me her DSLR!
I am also thinking of Marcus, Joseph, and Joe, my Dharma brothers. Joseph always invites me for tea, to meet him and Eunbong. Joe invited me to Sanga this weekend or next (he is leaving Korea soon) , and Marcus lent, or gave me the book I was reading on the plane, Into The Wild,by John Krackour. I wonder, did I spell that name right? The story reminds me of my short camping adventures, and especially of Keya, because of the fiery naivete of the protagonist. It also has reminded me I should learn about nature to a deeper degree, especially about tress, for my book, The Drawing Man’s Heart.
Well, the weather is fine, Japan looks like a big, bright, cozy kitchen for dreaming and succulant food, and the telling of tales; the making of adventures, and so out I go into her plastic, perfect, and manicured Disney Land. See you all soon! If all goes well, I’ll be back in Seoul tonight! Whew!
Carl/Cat/Spaceman/Astro/Carlo/Mando/Leo/Bootsie/Carly
Dream
09 Apr 2009 Leave a Comment
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Often you do not know
How composed you really are
You hear the words they say
And measure yourself so far
But you might know that He,
Made you as perfectly
And many would pray to be,
As wonderously endowed
As you, yet you can’t see
For there is most everywhere!
And in Everything!
Yet we weren’t made to see it in ourselves
Because in the mirror there can only be
The sin and pain and the disappointment true,
Of inner vanity
The answer is, My Darling Love, I see it in you; you see it in me,
And that’s the only way to find, Perfection, Love, and Beauty
Not in the judgements of the rest,
Who are as blind as you and I
The Warmth of Summer And The Truth
09 Apr 2009 Leave a Comment
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How are you? The warm weather is finally here, right? We were wishing for it to come, and I feel that soon, we will be missing the crisp winter breezes, the colorful leaves of Autumn, and the coziness inspired by chilly nights, as the temperatures heat up everything, from car traffic, to tempers.
Lately I think a bit more about my family. I think it is not just because of the passage of time, but because I have been away from my place of birth for so very long. And what I realize is, though I have always been against rushing things~since I was a boy~I am also not in favor of wasting time.
Having said that, I also want to say that in this one life we have, we should never dismember good things, simply in the interest of time. For example, a person is studying a subject of his passion, but leaves this endeavor to earn a degree in something more expedient, or financially profitable (in theory). Or one is in love with someone really special-in love means this person is the most special- but he leaves this mate for something attached to someone else, perhaps thinkng that is love, in order to ‘marry well’, and in a shorter amount of time.
I realize that there are many factors, and a myriad of exponentially attached ’sub-factors’ in the make up of our feelings and decisions, but generally, people do act as I have described above; simply, coldly, and driven purely by fear, greed, and even twisted concepts of ‘responsibility’ and tradition. To me, the practice of tradition over the vibrant movement of courage through challenges is the courtship of spiritual and moral death; not to mentiopn boring, and the enemy of freedom, creativity, truth, and just plain good sense. Tradition is just the enemy of progress and growth.
The real essence of things; the true meaning in them, the essentialness of them, is found in their basic elements. This is where the real reasons for things are. For example, let’s take marriage. The love is more important than the marriage. Indeed, it is the marriage. When it’s not, the marriage–meaning the institution, the legal bond–is all that is left, and the tradition is then a masquerade around it, so as the love has collapsed, most likely will the agreement itself, thus, divorce comes.
The things we think of as the wedding, the setting up of a household, even the making of a family; these are-or should be-all incidental to the love, unless you are living in a truly tribal, or monarchical family or culture.
The love is-or should be-the reason for being together. Otherwise you have politics, businiess, and well, prostitution in its place. Love is the elemental core of the togetherness, or, it should be.
But then, ‘what is love?’, people ask. This is sad. People should know. Love should be the most important subject of learning for children and adults.
‘Love is not (just) a feeling’, as I heard the writer express himself through a young boy burning with passion for his girlfriend, in the movie Dan in Real Life (the parenthetical ‘just’ is mine). ‘Love is an ability’, he said.
This is true, but moreover, as Khalil Gibran said, ’love is something not made by us, but by our hearts.’ It happens between us (italics mine). Love is more powerful, and more meaningful than anything the mind can come up with, thank God.
Similarly, the core passion of ones heart is the most important aspect of choosing “a life”, a career, a devotion~what you will do with your time on this planet, in this form, as a human being.
The saddest things in life are not disease, war, or natural disaster. These are unfortunate occurances that are part of life due to nature and the human condition. The saddest things in life are misguided lives, lost hearts, broken loves, and devotion to work one isn’t in love with, for this is betrayal of the heart, the only real place your self resides; the only door to the 
mysterious, to God, to peace, and to whatever truth exists for intelligent humanity.
When you enjoy the summer, ask yourself if it is the heat you love, or what summer brings you; closer to your passions. When you think of winter, ask yourself, ‘was it the cold, or the coziness?’
Look for the essence in things, not the traditional, which reflects the values of dead ages past, usually, not the vibrancy and entitlement of living now. Think of what essence something brings to you, and what it brings out of you. This is the source of, and the view to happiness, and true, lasting harmony.
~CA
The Air, The Light, And The Charm
07 Apr 2009 Leave a Comment
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When the sun’ s light
And the scent and feel of the air is part of a memory
It can take you somewhere
This time, without a sign of buildings or people I know, I was in New York
Charming
Amidst cacophany, refuse, racism
Brash juxtoposition, rapid competition
Envy, and confusion, pure and everpresent delusion in this world
There is in a woman of soft whispers
Dew-drop gentility
Graceful floral elegance
And exquisite design
She’s breezes, natural order
A sprinkling of water
And a long sought after, pausing of time
For You, The Music of My Heart
26 Mar 2009 Leave a Comment
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I know your eyes in the morning sun
I feel you touch me in the pouring rain
And the moment that you wander far from me
I wanna feel you in my arms again
And you come to me on a summer breeze
Keep me warm in your love and then softly leave
And its me you need to show
Chorus:
How deep is your love
I really need to learn
cause were living in a world of fools
Breaking us down
When they all should let us be
We belong to you and me
I believe in you
You know the door to my very soul
Youre the light in my deepest darkest hour
Youre my saviour when I fall
And you may not think
I care for you
When you know down inside
That I really do
And its me you need to show
Chorus
Repeat and fade
The Lessons of My Parents
25 Mar 2009 Leave a Comment
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I believe in living my life according to the lessons and examples of love, tolerance, and personal responsibility imparted to me by my parents.
Like all of us, my mother and father are not perfect people, but they have instilled in me a compassionate, moral humanity, and this makes them perfect parents.
My parents were my first teachers, and I believe that is the most important role parents–or any adults–can take on.
My mother used to say “nobody’s perfect”, and I have found this to be useful beyond the way most people often think of it and use the phrase, usually as an empty defense. Realizing that ‘to err is human’ is an essential lesson for civility. I believe our foibles are what enable us to grow. And this lets others grow around us.
My parents always put me and my sisters first, and in so doing made me feel important. This enabled me to build confidence, a most important aspect of personality; in making friends, having the strength to live ethically, and in finding success.
Most importantly, my parents never tried to get me to build a life they might have wanted for themselves. Instead, they highlighted my interests and talents, and also accepted my imperfections, showing me my desires were important, and allowing me to see my limitations. This all served to fill me with a sense of realism, the importance of personal choice, and its requisite responsibilities. In short, my parents never pushed or pulled me. They led me until I was capable of walking beside them, and then when I was able to walk on alone, they released me, even whilst I lived at home.
Regarding the world outside our door, when I was home–and still today– my father always discussed issues of consequence. He votes both intelligently and compassionately, and has even canvassed for good politicians. His ever vigilant and uncommon sense of right and wrong still teaches me the essentials of good citizenship and humanity, as well as sensible living. And though he never mentions the word, his actions as a hard-working, well providing father and faithful husband, have shown me honor, dignity, self-respect, and morality.
My mother has a soft spot for people in need. And she always reminded me that we should never hate anyone. She taught me to understand the pain and suffering of others. She does this with kindness, patience, and love. Still, she stops to offer rides to infirm people who are walking long distances. She is charitable, and can listen to you to fill you with a sense of worth and purpose until long after she has been sapped of her strength, regardless of who you are, and what you are talking about. Most importantly, her forgiveness, like my father’s, is endless.
My parents taught me well. And though I am not always as responsible or productive, gentlemanlike or forgiving at first; nor as understanding as I would like to be, I often find myself being somewhat of a guide to others who are less of these things at times as well, and I can only give credit to my parents for instilling in me these qualities, whatever measure of them I possess.
On a daily basis I try to live up to and impart my parents’ lessons, even to my students, for I take heart in what I have learned from my parents, the two greatest teachers I have ever had.
My Love
24 Mar 2009 Leave a Comment
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My Love is pateint and
My love is kind
My love is generous and never blind
My love is forgiving, and my love knows love
That’s how she loves me, gentle as a dove
My love is alluring, she’s inpiring to see
My love is like a warm breeze on a chilly night
Coming from the summer sea
She’s like a bandage on my wounds, and a healing salve; like an elixir, And nourishment, I never thought I’d have
More to come…
Fir Trees
24 Mar 2009 Leave a Comment
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The green and brown branches of the fur trees
Erect, bristling, quiet…forever bent, frozen in action, against the apartment block pink, remind me
What I like About You
23 Mar 2009 Leave a Comment
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You are quiet and kind, but talk when you must
And when you do you are patient and honest
You are also not angry, no not very much
And that I can be calm with, grow with, and trust
But we all misunderstand
And from that close at hand
We both do learn a great deal
And I know when we first met all seemed perfect
But now we are getting to know one another
And in ways that show, we are learning the rows
Between things we perceive
And the things we know
As with every couple
We do get frustrated
When we depend on what we think
And are too concentrated
But we always calm down, and see clearly around
The obstacles within our view
And what I like, what I love about you
Is that you are dedicated to us, and to the truth
And not to being right
So for long we can’t fight
And soon everything is like new
I am sorry for my misunderstanding Love
I will walk more gently beside you Love
Because I have learned there is nothing to fear
And nothing you don’t share
Inside you Love
That is what I like, what I love about you
And I love you
To that I ‘ll be true
My Love
Getting Through The Day: Meditate and Pray
19 Mar 2009 Leave a Comment
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I’ve learned a lot by studying some Zen with my friends, Chong Go Sunim, Joseph, Joe, Marcus, and others.
In fact, I still learn a lot just from daily or weekly conversations with my teacher. That would be Chong Go Sunim; and not just about Zen per se, do I learn. A man who has dedicated himself to a life of meditation and research through reading, discussion, and all sorts of information media, Teacher and editor Chong Go, a Chogae Order monk from Han Maum Zen and Cultural Center in Anyang (the Temple and community center founded by Venerable Nun Dae Haeng), is a most learned and helpful friend and personality. He also teaches on an army base and gives darma talks at varous venues, one of which is the Buddhist Library of Seoul in Anguk, where I and my Dharma brothers have studied with him.
I had begun meditating in my twenties, as a way to improve my health, sharpen my concentration, relieve myself of pain, worry, and fear, and to open my heart and mind; to be a better artist, a nicer person, and more admirable man in general terms.
I did not begin a more formal, or weekly–if not daily–practice of it until I reached Korea, where Buddhist, Taoist, and Zen sentiments have created a remarkable harmony among the people. To be totally accurate, I should mention that Confucianist principles play an important part in Korean harmony as well, but I am loathe to admit it, for I feel Confucianism does more harm than good in many important ways, individually and in Korean society on the whole.
The mind-altering and peace-giving elements of Zen and Buddhist thinking which I have acquired will always be with me, and hopefully get better; it takes discipline to meditate. And a point I would like to stress is, I feel those principles could help practitioners of all religions (especially the Christians, Jews, and Muslims). However, these days I am doing something different myself.
When I wake or eat, and I say something to myself in thanks for my day or my nourishment, I now often mention the compassionate heart of Jesus, because I grew up Christian, and find value in his teachings.
I have not been wearing my mindfulness beeds lately, but when I met Amber, I still had been, and while on vacation in the states, over Christmas holiday, I used to say:
”Buddha, Dharma, Sangha, and The Compassionate Heart of Jesus”, as I donned them in the morning. Saying ‘Buddha’ means I intend to remember his wisdom, and example. Ssaying ‘Dharma’ means I intend to remember his teachings as far as the the precepts, and ‘saying Sangha’ means I intend to take refuge in the company of practioners, or good spiritual people. This last point is important. The people you surround yourself with are a form of ill, or beneficial nourishment.
These days, as Amber prays before a meal, I do too. I say as pat of my Zen practice):
I thank
The Earth,
The Sky,
The Water,
And The land;
The Animals and The Fishes,
And The Hands of Man,
That Bring to me This Food.
I will do only good with it.
(or in an alternate line to the last;)
I will only create good Karma with it.
And I often thank God too, though it is an invitation to belief rather than a proclamation of certainty.
And when someone is in need, like Amber, or another friend or family member, I say I will raise mind and pray, for prayer is what she believes in, and I and my loved ones could receive the grace of God if I ask, right? Though, to be a completely honest human being, I do not know.
Jesus did exist and was concerned with the salvation of humanity. I love that. And Jesus was a man, who like the Buddha, broke away from tradition to speak freely about the truths that were in his heart; truths that he felt were being lost in the rule-oriented Hebrew religion. It is said that he took his inspiration from his father, the Hebrew god, but it is also said he cautioned that there was no way to God but through him. That is a pretty bold statement. It took arrogance, in the sense that one must arrogate in a position of authority, not in the rude sense. It took a base of genius and confidence that should support us all. It was like Siddhartha Gautama telling his former peers in asceticism that he was no longer a man, but a Buddha, an enlightened one.
Another reason I am opening my heart to the ideas of Jesus is that it is important to me to be able to meet minds and hearts with my girlfriend, who is Christian. Amber is a very harmonious, loving, balanced, and compassionate soul. She is what I call a successful human being; and an impressive person beyond her spirituality.
And while I am still reading Bart Ehrman’s Misquoting Jesus: Who Changed The Bible and Why (and I have always had questions about the incredible stories in the bible), at the same time, I have felt for my whole adult life that the messages in Jesus’ teachings; love, forgiveness, compassion, and righteousness, are essential to humane living.
Moreover, I have often thought of myself as a “Zen Christian”, insofar as I believe in the teachings of Jesus, if not the whole story of the bible, and God.
Now of course, those virtues that Jesus taught are in Buddhism. Indeed, there is no punishment in Buddism,no dogmatism in Buddhism, and though some forms of Buddhism entertain supernatural diety-like figures, and realms akin to Heaven and Hell, The Buddha didn’t say it was essential to believe these things. In fact, I don’t think he believed in them, per se.
So Buddhism is a very free religion, or philosophy, which basically says, life has a lot of suffering in it, basically created by craving, and if you eliminate craving, and live mindfully, accepting reality and meditating to find your answers, you will escape suffering. But Buddhism has sometimes left me cold, even though I feel it is the most rational and uncomplicated, as well as most realistic ’faith’.
To be continued…
Deep Listening, Deep Feeling
17 Mar 2009 1 Comment
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Today, three wonderfully significant events took place
My Love sent me messages during her busy morning
Her stressful morning, and so I felt loved
I practiced deep listening meditation as she spoke to me
And I felt a resevoir of emotion coming from her, flowing into me
It opened me, for receiving, hearing, and understanding
And I felt relieved of the need to speak, which I have felt in the past
For understanding
Her affectionate forgiving way fills me with this feeling too…
“… the love, it’s there”
*
And I read Marcus’ words
Which spoke of many traditions of enlightenment
Reminding me that the paths are many, and meditation is essential
Amber has changed my life in ways no one has
She loves me, but in a way that is so close to my heart
I feel she is, quite literally, my better half, or better place
For she speaks, thinks, and feels in many ways
Exactly as I do, in many instances, sentiments, affections, and words
Yet, her originality teaches me, heals me, and makes me better, more honest, less wronged, and more true
*
There is a wonderful place of confidence
A place of achievement and succor, of rightness and freedom
In the tabernacle of love, that houses the heart of two lovers
And for the making, the fashioning, the creating, and the growing
The giving, the forgiving, the meeting and the building of that place
I thank you My Love
There is no better place for me to keep my soul
Than in the place of learning, yearning, humble lessons in part
And in the changing of me in whole
Than with yours
Thank you
I love you
Your Leo
Links:http://marcusjournal.blogspot.com/2009/03/this-is-highest-wisdom.html
Recent Photos of Amber
13 Mar 2009 Leave a Comment
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Curvy, blue-gray, soft and like cotten-candy is the endless bottom-edge of the kurtain-of-the clouds that is the top half of the sky, hanging over Seoul, descending lower and lower , as The Heavens commune with The Earth with The Water of The Oceans…in The Rain
In the distance, the needle of Namsan Tower stands erect, Man Defying Nature
Here, it’s a milky-white clear, where the storm hasn’t arrived yet, love and visual memories keep a water-filled day…warm for the heart
Bitnacarlo
amberlia
Carl Atteniese Jr.
